Being an Escort

Talking thru pics now ... :)

2012-01-30T10:07:00.000-08:00

2012-01-28T18:57:00.000-08:00

Good Safety tips

2012-01-17T08:43:00.000-08:00

I didnt write this- so i dont want to take credit for it, but a friend just emailed it to me and i thought it was a great list to read...

How to not become a victim on a new date
(Or How Not To Become Another Long Island Victim)

*Before getting out of your vehicle, be aware of your surroundings. Especially if the property is heavily wooded where a guy can hide behind bushes or trees and jump out at you. I would guess that he is drugging and abducting ladies and taking them to another area to kill them unless he has a large secluded property or a basement.. The article said the bodies had been mutilated and from what I have read of true life books on serial killers, they do not kill their victims when they are drugged, but rather when they are awake.

*Be aware of all possible exits as you move through the house. This includes windows. If he goes to deadbolt the door, and it requires a key, stop him from doing so and leave. Be prepared to smash out a window if necessary to do so.

*Do not follow a client into their basement. Be aware if he is taking you to a potentially unsafe area during "the tour." Basements provide a soundproof area for them to hurt you and it is easier to clean up the mess. Basements generally have floor drains. Especially unfinished ones.

*Do not meet a new guy at their home unless you have solid references for them from ladies you know who have also been to their home. Why? Because there is a HUGE difference in the level of danger to a girl who saw someone at their hotel incall or his hotel outcall and someone who is at a guy's home. Remember there are men who are bad and have solid references. Why? Because they know they need them. So they book with one or two ladies and behave themselves so the lady will vouch for them. There may be exceptions with well-known and respected hobbyists, but beware of new guys.

*Bring pepper spray, but be aware that it may be bad to use it outside if its windy. If you know someone who can get you the foam spray, its easier to use and less likely to be blown into your face by shifting winds. Buy police grade pepper spray at the police department or online. It is much better than the average. You can buy the keychain can, a little one that is a ink pen but you take the cap off and it's the pepper spray, one that has a visor clip for your car, there is also one that looks like a pager that you can clip on your pants and don't even need to unclip it to get a good spray.

* Your keys are a weapon. Put your key chain in your palm interlacing your keys between your fingers. It is best to have all keys facing the same direction and downwards. They can be used as brass knuckles or to scrape an assailants face. My father was a blackbelt in Jujitso and showed me this one as a young woman. Basic self defense courses are also good.

*The heel of your hand, punched into his nose in an upward thrust, may kill your attacker. Again, this is a last resort. However it shoves the ethmoid bone into the brain if done with sufficient force.

* Turn down wine from opened bottle. If the bottle is sealed, and he is about to pour, grab your glass and pretend to see a spot as an excuse to thoroughly wash it. This precludes a small amount of clear liquid being in the glass going unnoticed before pouring. Then play the wine snob and let him drink first as you move the wine around in your glass and notice its color and bouquet and wait for him to drink first.

*When arriving, be ON THE TELEPHONE with your safecall. This keeps him from stopping you from making that call and being able to deny your arrival. Make sure your guy hears you confirming that you have arrived atstreet address being sure to say this on the phone. If he asks about that call, you are calling your assistant to let her know that you are there. If he asks, tell him its your safety procedure when meeting new guys at a private residence. Stay on the phone with your safecall until you see his identification (photo I.D.) and this is a good time to say "I'm here with John Smith and everything checks out. I will call you back at xxxx as the appointment is for xxxx hours and will meet you at xxx as we planned.". This way he knows that someone is expecting you at such and such time so having you call and say you are on your way home is not your final checkin.

Nothing is fool proof. A past date of mine who is a personal bodyguard/security in the private sector once told me that a decent guy will appreciate that you are doing what is necessary to protect yourself. Someone with questionable intentions will cut the visit short.

Place your final checkout call beginning in his home and stay on the phone till you are safely away from his property. Be careful when you leave an appointment and always lock your door immediately before checking your phone, starting the car, adjusting the heat or radio. Leave promptly.

Don't be afraid to leave if something does not feel right. If you arrive at a place that looks like it should be condemned, keep your doors locked and leave. If you suspect that there are more than one person waiting (hear voices or see someone peeking out the window when the guy is by the door), just go.

Songs explain it all

2012-01-14T17:49:00.000-08:00

Wife vs Mistress - sung so beautifully about something so painful- for all involved
I dont know who i feel most for- us or them

But i do know i used to play this song over and over, for a much different reason, and hearing it again tonight out of the blue killed me. As she says, i have nothing to gain, and id much rather be the wife for once.

Screening....

2011-12-20T05:49:00.000-08:00

Well I stayed up until 2 am answering some of your emails and it seems there will be a lot of new girls to the industry. It breaks my heart. I'd like to continue to say that if you can avoid this, please, please don't start. I really can't stress that enough. Try to find something else. But that said I'm not going to be a hypocrite, I'm not anyone in a position to judge, and I've read your emails. I understand. This economy sucks, sometimes just life sucks, and no mother is going to let their children go hungry. We all have our own stories and I swear if I had a million dollars I'd figure something out to help all of you get good jobs and help.

But I don't, you all know me and I'm just a crazy girl who has gone through it too and I'm not going to tell you I have the answer. I don't. Not for myself or anyone else. I can tell you the things you won't see, and hope and pray that you find a better answer, but I see now that too many of you have hit bottom and are going to do this despite anything, and so although I'm still begging you not to try this, i'll help you with one of the most asked questions you've emailed to me- screening.

Ugh... I don't want to write this but here goes. First let's be honest. No amount of screening will keep you safe. No amount of screening will keep you out of trouble. None. There are things you can do the lessen the risks... But there are never any guarantees. The guy who passed with 3 other girls might flip out on you. You never know what is going on in someone elses head.

Basic screening : initial contact says a lot. Look at the screen name, email address, and way the email is written. If his handle is bigslong123. Or something equally rude chances are he's not the most respectful guy you'll meet. The email should be a basic nice letter- hi this is so and so, your pictures are beautiful... I am visiting this hotel on these dates and would like see you blah blah blah... It should include his name, cell number, work number etc.

It should not say - you free?

A lot of guys don't send this in the initial email, but some do. We love them. The other you'll have to ask, say you require it before you can meet. Most will understand and the rest, well, fuk em :) you should get the basics, and check. Google his name, email address, call his work, verify he is who he says he is.... Ask for references. Call the other girls and confirm they have seen them. Ive found 99% of the other girls are so nice about references, and will happily answer you. Don't take his word on it because some guys will send you a girls name hoping you won't check. Check.

In addition, there are a few sites that I know of that help you to screen:
Verifyhim.com
Date check
P411

There is also a national bad guy registry / blacklist.

Use the boards, ter, big doggie, etc... You can tell a lot about the guys personality by what he writes on the forums, you can also read the reviews he has written to see if he is a mean reviewer, or likes freaky crap you won't want to do. Also use the " providers only" parts of the boards, and talk with other girls in your area. Many of them have the bad client list and will send out warnings immediately after a bad encounter.
Check, check, check.... Its a pain but it's better than having a known rapist / beater alone with you.

If he passes and you agree to meet, chat on the phone, even 2 min has been enough for me to cancel on someone. Trust your vibes ALWAYS. Never send them directly to your room until you feel comfortable. We liked to have them park or drive by a common area to see them first... That's just us :)

Stay safe everyone!

Some things I just dont understand....

2011-12-17T19:00:00.000-08:00

I consider myself to be pretty openminded by now, but some things i will never understand. Ive dated a few guys in my personal life that have asked for some funky things- and i am in no way judging anyone, whatever makes you happy in a relationship... whatever- but when your not its just weird.

I was talking with several girls recently about past and present strangeness, mainly ofr laughs but also to try an come to some kind of understanding, which we didnt. We just ended up laughing and feeling better about ourselves having been thru similiar weird situations...

For instance, why anyone would pay hundreds of dollars to smell someones feet is beyond me, but we had all had that client. Just come in and sit and smell/play with your feet. ? Why ? They were all nice people, but i cant relate to needing that so badly that you would have to resort to paying someone, asking for it (they were all embarrased at first) and ultimately doing it... We all agreed that as much as we liked the ease of the appointments it was just ackward to sit there the whole time.

The stockings... All guys love stockings, that a no brainer. They are pretty, make your legs look great, soft, yada yada- but to pay for the hour just to rub on and touch them? Why not just spend the 5$ on your own pair and play with them at home?

The outfits... these stories went from funny to just bizarre.. Dressing up can be fun, but some guys are just plain crazy. Ones that bring in their wives/step-daughters clothes for you to wear- yuck. My friend had someone ask her to wear a slinky dress with boxers underneath- wtf?

Walking on people with heels. I thought id be alone in this one but i wasnt. We had all been asked to walk/jump/stomp on guys with heels on. Poor guys. I hope i never find myself at that point in life, where i would need to seek out a stranger to walk on me...yikes

Thats all i can put on here for now- of course we shared alot worse but ill let you use your imaginations - unless youve been there right?! We get paid to be the outlets, but with that comes a sort of understanding the persons needs, which is sometimes hard to do :)

Pink

2011-12-17T18:50:00.000-08:00

I love this song.. I love Pink and the sarcasm she uses is perfect- can definately relate to the lonliness being covered with money. ( Or trying to should I say)

I found this and wanted to share....

2011-12-15T17:56:00.000-08:00

I found this online and wanted to share... It hit close to home for a couple of reasons and thought someone might find it helpful :)

I'll come back soon with some recent stories!

Top Five Regrets of the Dying

By Bronnie Ware

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way.

From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship.

Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends

Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier

This is a surprisingly common one.

Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.

They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Feelings.....

2011-11-20T18:26:00.000-08:00

Holiday time

2011-11-17T19:11:00.001-08:00

Im always amazed when i check back in here and so much time has gone by... it just flies nowadays. I never seem to have enough time and obviously end up neglecting my blog, and getting rid of the spam ads in these comments! That is so annoying- will you spammers please stop?!

So holiday season is creeping up quickly. Its such a mixture of ugly emotion for me, but I am trying to be more positive now. I crept along the bottom of miserable for quite awhile, maybe enjoying it in some weird way... but want to stop being like that. Life is too short, and despite whatever circumstances may be i am healthy and young and have the basics, so i am thankful. I do hate the holidays though. lol

I have several emails from an anonymous person asking how to help someone get out of the biz... Im assuming they are all from the same person and since i am having a similiar experience in person i thought i would respond here... As genuine as you may be in trying to help her make a different choice - there is no easy way to change someone, especially someone in the industry. We see things differently. Unless you have worked you cant understand- but we just do.

Let me try to be clearer: I dont know your relationship to her- not that it would really matter, but if you are a client of hers she will see you as trying to get free dates- just as she doesnt truly care for you she knows you dont truly care for her either. Its a well played game but underneath it all she knows why you are there, and yes you may want her to make better choices but coming from a client is just strange..... We see men, money, life, even other women differently- how could we not? The men are obvious- we know you cheat, its a secret world we share. We cant help but wonder about every man we meet, what their intentions are... who really cares and who is just after what all the others are after.

I cant make anyone who hasnt been there understand, so ill keep it simple. You cant make her stop- but giving her sound business advice and mentoring is a great start. Ask her interests and maybe establish a plan that would work for her, and in a way that makes enough money that it is worthwhile for her. Hook her up with connections if you can, as it is very hard without having a resume or referrals. She needs a good stepping stone to step to- she cant and wont just jump and hope it works out. I will tell you that all of the women i have met, and gotten to know in the industry are very bright, driven, and could do amazing things if they had the tools and network. And most importandly the money!! I might lose you here but put your money where your mouth is - if you truly care for her give her money to start a business or get whaterever training she would need.

Hope that helps anon- and happy holidays to everyone else! Stay safe and be well :)
Ill be passing out blankets and lunches to the homeless, as well as giving to the local childrens home. Ive found that doing even a little for others helps me feel better about myself... its nice. I have so much craziness going on right now that to make myself slow down and do something nice keeps me sane :)

Best wishes everyone!

Jobs...Jobs...Jobs

2011-09-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

I have been job searching for months now, admittedly slacking because by the time i deal with work and advertising and the insane amount of emails/calls i have to deal with, plus family and taking care of all the regular stuff im exhausted. Plus my resume has a giant gap that cant be filled with sugardaddies and dancing.

If you think about it, my resume should kick ass in comparison- i dont have a degree but i have run a business by myself and managed to provide. Hell i could list actress, dancer, head of marketing, customer service, data entry, scheduling, time management, driver, therapist... lol- you get the idea.

But I cant, and so its blank. I send it out anyway. Maybe it just makes me feel better knowing i am trying, but i also know in todays economic mess i am one of hundreds applying for the same job. Im saddened everyday to read about all of the families in shelters, knowing how close i came/am myself. Hard working double income families that now cant find any work, its unreal. And so im kind of thankful in a way to be able to pull off something in this industy to at least keep us afloat- sad but true. I read recently about a lawyer that had to resort to dancing when she lost her job- and she also thanked the industry for being able to survive. The industry is a last resort for a reason, but its always there.

If it didnt come at such a cost, but it does. Theres no way around it. It destroys something, and im not feeling like i can describe it again today, but it does- it takes something from you that is very very special and as of yet i havent figured out how to get it back, and im not sure its even possible.

My sugardaddy days have ended for now, the last guy i wasted time getting to know again turned out to be a cheater- and each time I pick someone i am positive is different, it turns out they are just better at lying :) So i give up- i dont have the emotional energy for any of that so its all up to me. Work, save what i can, figure out something different and soon.
One of my clients insists i write a book everytime he sees me- he is a big to-do with ties in the publishing world- and its funny because he knows nothing about me, but says that i have such a beautiful energy, such a zest for life (lmao), that he knows there is an amazing story behind the smile. He says people would love the human side, the story of who i am and how i got here, and the others would want to live vicariously thru me- great. What he doesnt know is i am just a regular person- im nothing special. He doesnt realize if i did write a book it wouldnt be the hot sexy biography he envisions. It would make him never visit me again, knowing what i really think- but reality has no place in the industry, and so i smile and say maybe someday...

My blog... my little book- honesty for girls, no mens fantasies here!

Working Girls

2011-08-17T08:35:00.000-07:00

I took a much needed extended get away. I didn't actually accomplish what i had hoped, which was just to be somewhere else and forget about everything for awhile, but i tried my best. If only i could leave my mind behind - but my life experiences follow me, and with it the worries, tears, and stubbornness to survive i have come to live by.

I wont elaborate on my endless struggle to find peace within- but something happened while i was away that i wanted to share.

I was out driving with someone else one night, it was hot outside and it was early evening. We stopped at a red light and beside us walked an attractive woman, very tight, very short dress- super high heels. She walked with a purpose, slowly and shaking what god had given her while she peered into each stopped car with a coy smile. My heart broke for her. I got a lump in my throat and thoughts went through my mind wishing her safety, sorrow for her circumstances that led her to walk that night, and wondering if she would consider taking a break and grabbing a bite to eat. It just hit a deep nerve to see her, and wonder who she was and what was her story. It was myself, looking at me standing there, trying to look brave. I never walked the streets but could feel what she felt.

Anyway, the person i was with simply looked at her and said "is that a f*&$#ing prostitute? Nasty...." And i didn't know what to say back. I know this is the response from the majority of people, and it is so sad that people judge each other like this. I thought of defending her, of rationalizing all the reasons she might be there, or getting mad - but then i might say too much, give too much away, and i couldn't risk that. So i simply said, "I don't know, maybe, its none of our business"

And they mumbled a few more nasty thoughts as we drove off. Whoever you were that night, and all the others out there along side her and in hotel rooms- I thought of you that night. I prayed for you to be safe and for your circumstances to change. I felt your hurt and fear like it was my own, and i wish i could change things. Not only for you but for the ignorant who judge other people without walking in their shoes, or even so much as considering what those shoes might have gone through.

You are me too, and we deserve better.
xoxo

Better days....

2011-05-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

Maybe I just needed a break, but I took a few weeks off and connected with an old friend so work doesn't suck quite as much anymore. I'm managing to save enough to feel like I am getting into a better position, and that helps a lot. I can't focus at all when i am in panic survive mode.

Most importantly I am fixing myself, planning to get out of this asap. I have sent out several resumes and am crossing my fingers. I have also connected with an old friend who has unlimited funds and connections, and have been discussion career opportunities and choices with him. I needed a mentor, someone who has been there and made great decisions. Ok so I am also dating him in a way, but in a very old fashioned... Very slow steps kind of way. And I like it. I'm so used to men seeing me as an object, especially my ex. I was always a commodity to him, and its so nice to be around someone who sees me as me. We talk for hours and laugh, and he has great business ideas and the means to make things happen, and seems eager to see me do well. Its nice. I'm amazed that he hasn't so much as tried to kiss me, but he is very old school and I'm not looking for that right now! He is simply nice, and exactly what I needed right now.

Sanity in a crazy world... Its like gold. Some of you will know what i mean, but those times of slipping away from crazy busy days, crazy clients, crazy relAtionships, and just to forget it all and be normal for an hour or so is bliss.

Someday it will stay that way, as it was before this industry, and this last ex, and my poor choices, and I cant wait to be boring old me again.

Take care everyone..and to all the men posting insults and rude comments....really? Grow up, I'm just going to delete you and send you back to your nasty little lives...so let's save us both time and skip it.

Sober.....

2011-04-29T19:01:00.000-07:00

I don't drink, never touched drugs, but tonight I really want a drink! Its been such a shitty week that I just want to take the edge off. Men blur in my head, the decent and the pains, and the stress of it all. The no shows, The emails, phone calls, hotels, driving. I'm exhausted.
I can't wait to get where I am going and just breathe again. Just be normal, or as close as I get anyway.

I won't drink, I'll just blog here and assume it would make me sleep easier. I think I'm too afraid of addiction, and I can see how easily it might come into play given the circumstances, and I feel for those who have gotten wrapped up in that sort of thing, cause life is just plain hard enough.

Goodnight everyone ...

Stuck and miserable

2011-04-22T19:15:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry for being away for so long. I've been stuck in a slump. Working like crazy, burning out, taking a week off -then two.. Dragging myself back and hating every second of it. For those who don't know, I have to move again soon and so I have no choice but to come up with some fast money.

The only thing worse than escorting is leaving, getting out, realizing the effects is has had on you and your spirit. Starting to heal the damage, and then with a twist of bad fate that i have become all too familiar with, having to go back in. It's almost an indescribable feeling of suck. I know better, I dread working, and I can't even pull it off like I did once. Once you have to face it, and stop lying to yourself about the easy money - once you truly own up to what this industry is and then turn around and go back to it , well I can't expect to be able to pull it off like I once could.

I'm not in the same line, not even close, but it is what it is. Being fake...lying... Counting on this money to keep us safe, and hating everyone In my path. I'm literally the definition of miserable. I started with a small group of regular friends, but I am pushing them away one by one, and then having to let new people in which is so dangerous. I'm so aware of every danger now. I used to know, but not feel it. Now every part of me feels the overwhelming fear with each new face. I am no longer the numb carefree girl I once was, and it sucks. I cant deal with the men at all. I do it, and I pull it off because I am obviously a good faker, but my mind is so aware of how wrong this is. I feel badly for myself, for the wives they keep telling me all about, for all the ones out there just like me.
Ive lost clients because I make them feel a connection. It's my job. I make them feel such a connection with me and I play the game, but there have been a few now that don't understand the rules of the game, and when it ends, and have gotten mad that i wont have dinner out with them, or go on trips, or answer their calls on my personal time. The line is blurred, and I have no tolerance for the blur. Business is business, but if they are going to get mad because I won't jet off to an island with them, I am going to tell them exactly what they don't want to hear. Take your wife. I am not your girlfriend, or mistress, or anything other than business. Take that wife you keep telling me that you love and how wonderful she is.

My faith in men is gone. Gone, gone, gone. This last relationship ending, and the way he has treated me, combined with what I see in the industry- gone. I don't think I will ever look at a man and see love, or anything other than a giant walking dick who will do whatever necessary to sneak into bed with as many women as he can get away with. Jaded with a capital j I am ... I admit it, but getting to where I was emotionally and spiritually, and then to have my world crash in on me again, and be right back here is devastating. But damn it I am determined to get through this, get to where I need to be, stand up and brush this shit off again and move forward. And I will, but I just hope I get back to where I was when I started this blog. Right now I am so angry and I hate it. Its not me and I don't handle it well. I hate my ex for his role in this, I hate myself for getting myself Into this situation, and I hate my clients. I'm turning into an angry sad person that I don't want to be, and I just want this to be over.

Desperate times make us do things we don't want to do, and I know how many of us are in the same boat right now. Your e,ails piss me off and break my heart at the same time. I feel bad for you all, and your situations. I feel bad for myself. I want to scream that we don't have to do this, that there are other ways, and this is a really shitty fix for a problem, but I am in the same boat, so screaming won't do much good. I/we have to survive, we need shelter, and food, and a way to get on our feet, because we will stand again someday, I promise.

I cry everyday, and In my world I am totally alone and angry, but secretly knowing you all through this blog and your emails means the world right now, so I thank you. Be safe, stay strong, and lets get through this crap.

No title....

2011-03-09T05:26:00.000-08:00

Everyone loves me, but no one really "loves" me....

Its a shitty feeling, and yet its empowering in a weird broken kind of way

I know you understand what I mean....

Being " too" good

2011-03-02T16:55:00.000-08:00

Is that even possible in the industry?

My dilemma is that I am trying to keep a very small circle of "regular" clients, and lately they have all asked me out several times, which i turned down as politely as possible... And its creating a rift.

A couple disappeared completely after asking, and now I am treading water carefully with 2 more...trying to make it clear that even if I had the time I simply am not ready to pursue a real relationship now ( or I'm thinking never again after my last guy) and they don't need to know that I would never date a client. Ever. Its never going to turn out well, and he would always see me as working, and I would always resent him for dating me for free.... Lol oh what a great start.

But anyway, I guess I'm getting rusty. Perhaps I lost my touch at the game, now it just annoys me that they ask, when I once found it kind of flattering. I know as nice as I act, they can probably pick up on how uncomfortable I am once they ask, and its downhill from there.

I wonder if this is how it ends... We just get so fed up with mens behavior we eventually give up, or cant hide the true feelings anymore.

Wipe out the crazies...

2011-02-20T08:04:00.000-08:00

Things are getting better... Once I got over being hurt and accepting watching my sex addicted ex happily run back out into the scene himself, I picked myself up and got out there too.

It was pretty easy given the work I was doing. A few subtle hints to some of my regular clients and I was good to go, and thankful I have a wonderful group of friends that truly care and it has worked well. Until I decided to accept strangers. The dangers are obvious, and screen as you may one will always slip through... And one did.

It turned into a wrestling match that left me bruised, angry, and shaken to the core. I admit however I was pretty proud of myself for once again being. Able to pull off the "angry bitch" and kick him out. He did not notice my shaking and praying he would believe he was in danger if he didn't immediately leave. I won. Yay me....

So i cancelled the rest of my night, came home obviously upset and exhausted, told my still sharing the same house ex who didn't bother to even ask if I was okay. Nothing. I cant believe I once would've married this man. Even my clients who heard through the grapevine what had happened all called/emailed to make sure I was okay... Ahh the ironies of life.

Sadly he was not the first crazy one since accepting new people, just the only one to physically traumatize me. The others were just freaks in their own right that made me pretty uncomfortable with things they were saying- but no harm was done. So now no more new people for me. Less money, but thankfully I have a few generous souls that I trust that give enough for now.

I wish we could wipe out the crazies. Life is hard enough. But we can't, and it sucks- so be as careful as you can. I have another post of this kind of issue somewhere, but fake whatever you need to fake to keep yourself safe. Fake a bodyguard, phone call, someone listening through the walls- whatever... But don't give in unless you feel there is no other choice to stay alive.

If you've been through something similar or usually worse, and have no one to turn to except someone as cold as my ex- feel free to email me or someone here through the blog. Noone should have to deal with this crap alone, and if I didn't have the amazing friends I do , I don't know how id stay sane.

Stay safe everyone ... Crazies- do the world a favor and stop sharing your misery. Its not impressive for a man to pick on a woman, no matter what the situation, it just makes you small.... And karmas a bitch.

We now have a forum!

2011-01-19T08:58:00.000-08:00

Link is at the top of the home page... We now have a place to chat, rant, whatever but no advertising please.

My life is a disaster- and I'm a hypocrite

2011-01-17T15:18:00.000-08:00

Hello again... Well, I am here again, feeling like shit and not even sure if I should post or not...but decided to go ahead and try to explain, if to no one but myself.

My wonderful long term bf, who 4 months ago asked me to stay with him because we were soul mates and he wanted to be with me forever, broke up with me on new years day. I guess he wanted to start the new year off fresh. We broke up for no apparent reason, he just decided he wasn't happy because things had been pretty blah recently due to other issues, and so I got dumped. Which is awesome considering we share a house. The best part is he seems to have zero feelings, and although I am a wreck he is fine asking me if I want a dunks run or something from wal mart. It's amazing.

And since this has happened before, I asked him "are you sure? - " are you 100 percent positive this is what you want?" and he said yes. I needed confirmation from him because I will be going back into the industry. I tried to explain this to him, but he just thinks I am trying to make him feel guilty or manipulate him... So its not even worth trying . He gave me 5/6 months to move out. Back across the country. The job i have now pays well, but even so I am just making my bills each month, and so I have to go back. It's the only way I can save enough to Find us another place and pay for the move. He says I have long enough and if I save a few hundred each month I will be fine, but he doesn't realize that won't even cover first/last/security on a new place... And certainly not enough to move and feel like we will be okay once I get there.

But besides the money, I know my decision to go back has other motivations. I am so shocked, so hurt that after almost 4 years and much trying, I was cast aside like he doesn't know me. I'm devastated. And so I will get my fake fill of attention and admiration from the men who will pay for my time. I know at the end of the day I will still feel like shit, but at least it will cushion what I am feeling now, which is like no one Ever really cares about me. And the stigma of working... Well I am used to it, and to be honest he is treating me like a prostitute now, but he would never admit it. He has asked if we can still sleep together, hinted that he wants too.... And doesn't see anything wrong with that. I don't love you but want to f!?k you.... Hmmm what does that equal? Even worse than an escort IMO given that we have such a long, in depth relationship.

So I'm dreading my return, but in a selfish way also feel incredibly challenged to make it through this. I know I am strong, and smart, and have the ability to do this and come out maybe worse off, but having been there and done that I'm pretty hardened at this point. My biggest obstacle is this sadness. I truly loved this man and it hurts like hell, but also makes me so angry to have allowed myself to be treated this way, and honestly the anger helps me a lot when I am planning my return.

So although I feel like a giant hypocrite, I still stand by my original blog posts. Please don't ever choose this job. I wish I hadn't. I wish this wasn't an option for me. But for now it is what I must do to get past my bad choice of trusting a man who didn't really care for me. Funny... He pretended to like me to get me in bed, and now I will do the same but get paid. But at least I will be being honest with the other person- business is business - faking love is far worse in my opinion.

Stay safe everyone .

I don't known who said this, but someone recently sent itnto me and I found it fitting tonight - " what I do as an occupation does not define who I am as a person" that will help me sleep a little better at night :)

Sorry for the typos... I'm mobile

K's thesis - Hidden aspects of the industry

2011-01-13T05:19:00.000-08:00

I am back from the dreaded holidays... And one of the most recent emails was from someone writing a thesis on prostitution, which may someday prove useful to this industry so I thought i should help if i could. ( to all the others who have emailed please don't think I am rude or ignoring you!)

Her question was - what do i feel is most important About the escort industry that is hidden?

I thought about this for a long time but ended up sticking with my first reaction. It's the emotional/spiritual/psychological affect it has on the women. We hear about the dangers, and more often we hear he glamorized tales of money. We feel for Elliot spitzers wife and the many others who have been betrayed- often with a fierce rage that stories of betrayal often bring- but how often does anyone stop and consider the escorts feelings?

I think the answer is never. Sure we want to see her pictures, hear the sordid details of what she may or may not have done with the man, and sometimes there is a line or two about how she was escorting to pay for school .... But that's it.

When people think of escorts their reactions are either disgust, envy over making huge amounts of money, or dismissal. There is never a reaction of compassion or empathy. We are treated as if we are less than human- just this group of over attractive, money hungry women who choose to work in this industry and thus deserve all of the disrespect that comes with it. It both saddens and infuriates me.

The men we are working with are no better. ( please see my recent post about the gfe experience ) Of course there are the jerks we all have to deal with, but even the top of the line clients who spoil you with money and kindness are asking the impossible of you at the same time. They are asking that we lavish them with affection, pretend we adore them and make their fantasies come true during our visits. Make it warm and loving and really get into it to quote some of the men. Then walk away. Its business- turn emotions on, do it well, then turn them off. And we do. And we get paid handsomely because it works perfectly for the men.

But women are different. We feel, thats what makes us so incredible- and so as much as it is business at the same time it isn't. We are rewarded for messing with our own feelings. We are amazing, beautiful, everything he desires... Until he leaves to go home to his wife- then we are just the escort. We go from one end of the spectrum to the other- the most sought after beauty, to the low life prostitute. All for doing the same exact job. No matter how well we do our job, the end result is still a stigma in society.

I've discussed the effects in other posts that escorting has on you. Isolation, fear, trauma. We can't talk about our work. We cant seek comfort from family and friends after a bad date. We cant put on our resume how well we managed this business. We are hidden. Even at the height of our work, we can't share a sense of pride in doing our job well. We learn that men cheat...a lot. We try to have relationships where we have to hide our past. We lie to our families with a sense of shame, but also with a weird sense of pride for having paid the bills.

It's such a complex topic, I think I could ramble on here forever, and some women might disagree- but a lot more have agreed and have been so thankful to be able to email, and just communicate with someone about how this job affects them. And so I continue writing here.

The effects are hidden. The guilt-shame-stigma that comes from working . If your lucky and do it long enough you become hardened- I am friends with women who have been in this industry far too long and at this point they just don't care anymore. I think its a mixture of self hatred and a fierce independent pride, if you can understand how weird that might sound. People call me angry here a lot, because I dare to speak up and tell the other side of escorting, and obviously the men don't like that very much. It ruins the fantasy. But I am not angry, although it may seem like it from some of my posts that i am passionate about-likes womens safety and self respect. I am very, very kind to everyone I meet, and i work in a position where my attitude is everything, and i do well. But then again i was a pro escort so i am really good at faking it :)

Best wishes and be safe.....

Happy holidays everyone.....

2010-12-20T05:49:00.000-08:00

As much as I hate the holidays I still wanted to pop in and wish everyone well.

To all those who are working, stay safe, and work on your terms....not anyone elses.

To those who have quit or are struggling, I feel your pain- especially at this time of year. We aren't alone, we just feel like we are.

Thanks to everyone for the wonderful emails, they are appreciated despite being unanswered.

I am trying to figure out a way to add a forum to the blog, because of the amount of traffic and emails, i feel it would be great if everyone could talk to each other- god knows we could use it... Just gotta figure out how :)

Love to everyone...
Amber

I changed the design.... not sure if i like it yet :)

2010-10-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

I thought maybe I should change it up a bit... but Im not too sure I like the new design. Its trendier and catchy- but neither really necessary for the blog so my apologies if i change the design again in the coming days :)
Hope everyone is well and safe!

Hate Mail/Comments from men

2010-10-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

I am cracking up after reading through the latest huge batch of emails and comments from men here.. Im still laughing and wondering if there was a rush of men who felt strongly and decided to all email me at the same time- or one poor soul with alot of time on his hands... but I digress :)

My main reason for this blog was to shed light into the industry for women. Some of the emails i have received have mad me cry, some have warmed my heart, and others have pushed me to continue writing... which is why i am still here.

So for the men writing hate mails and comments i would like to say that i appreciate your feedback. I admire your passion for the subject matter. I am, however, left laughing and shaking my head in amazement at the level of resentment and anger you direct towards me. The name calling and insinuating you have a much clearer understanding of the industry and the women working in it- is doubtful.

You call me angry, lazy, spoiled, playing victim, a man hater, and so forth. I could invest a large chunk of my time defending myself to you- explaining each and every one of my posts and the reasoning behind them- but honestly i do not feel the need. A. I would just feel silly giving you the satisfaction, and B. No matter how right I may or may not be- you are not going to let anyone ruin the image of your favorite provider. To you she enjoys her time with you, looks forward to it, and the money is just an agreement. (Excuse me while i laugh again) Nothing will ruin the illusion for you- because you wouldnt want to know. It would certainly dampen the experience for you... and we cant have that.

So moving on to the ladies- thank you all for the support, not only towards myself and this blog, but also to each other. There are women who disagree with something i have said, but I cant remember one of the emails being as angry as what the men have sent.

We are wonderful actresses when we need to be, and unfortunately no amount of honesty and insight is going to ruin the escort experience for most men- because the desire for the fantasy will outweight the truth. But that is fine- because it has nothing to do with why i write here. I write here for the other women trying to quit- for the ones contemplating starting- and the ones who live with regret.

I have shared a small part of my experiences. I have been honest and shared my feelings about this industry for no other reason than to give insight into the industry. Not all experiences are the same, not all choices are right for everyone, but its my story. I am working, out of the industry, and without any type of help from men. Thats me today, and im pretty happy :) Tomorrow might be different but i have learned not to try to plan too far ahead.

So to wrap this up- thank you ladies, and to the men- please stop emailing me when you are so angry. Lighten up. Im sorry to rain on your parade but really is this such a shock to you? If the majority of women loved having sex multiple times a day would there be such a high demand for this industry?

Thats my point. So accept the fact that they are acting, dont hate me and call me a man hater for stating the obvious truth. Treat them well, because the job is a very hard one and not as wonderful as you insist it is. Believe it or not.

The Girlfriend Experience

2010-10-02T19:27:00.000-07:00

Who came up with this? It sounds somewhat magical doesn't it? Girlfriend experience... ahhh my girly brain envisions hugs and flowers and a genuine warm feeling.

Reality check. For those of you who don't yet know or understand completely what this means, it is a term to sugar coat the escort experience. It means that even though you are entering a business deal as an escort/client- this should be like an experience you would have with someone who was your girlfriend. It assumes two people can meet and within a matter of minutes act (and working girls know exactly what i mean by "act") like there is some chemistry and level of comfort between the two of you.

It is also a guise for unsafe practices: kissing, BBBJ, CIM, you name it- ahhh but its all part of the "girlfriend experience" . Give me a break.

I see these ads all the time- women knowing that it is what most men want, and so they deliver. I wont go into a rant about how disgusting men can be and what the hell are they thinking- this is just for the women. What are you thinking?

I think if you are escorting, for whatever reasons, the #1 priority for you should be your safety and self respect. I wish all women would stop providing the gfe and make it be what it is- a business arrangement. Be nice, sweet, sexy- whatever you do best, but keep it at a minimum. I was always super safe during my calls- so i am still amazed that women offer- even compete- for these services. A popular review board has a system where a woman's rating cannot go above 7 is she does not offer one of these unsafe services. Thats insane.

Seriously.. what is wrong here? Is scoring an 8 really worth it? Kissing a stranger is gross- never mind unsafe. That mouth couldve been you know where the day before- and now its on yours. The BBBJ and CIM? My stomach turns just thinking about it. Do you really want an STD in yur throat so you have to worry that your child/niece/friend cant take a sip of your drink without catching something from you? Why men want this is another post entirely- but women please- stand up for yourselves and stop doing what they want.

My friend and i NEVER, EVER did anything unsafe. And we made alot of money- It didn't matter what the other girls were doing, or what the guys wanted- or what the ratings were- it just wasn't an option. It wasn't worth the risk or anything we felt comfortable doing. And my business was never slow. Provide a service but demand respect, nothing is worth more than your self respect at the end of the day. The industry is hard enough.

I wish all girls would just refuse. I'm pretty confident in saying that i don't think this is something they enjoy doing. I think they do it because they feel they have too to get customers and i am here to tell you that you don't. Men will continue to watch porn and porn will continue to put these super gross ideas into their heads, but it doesn't mean you have to carry it out. There will always unfortunately be women that do- and sadly i imagine it is because they may already have something bad enough to not care anymore about the risks, but remember- the men are going to see them and then coming to come visit you. Don't be part of the cycle...

Stay safe :)

Where have all the faithful men gone?

2010-10-02T16:58:00.000-07:00

Are faithful men nothing more than a fantasy we see in old movies and fairy tales? What has happened in our society that men have lost the ability to sleep with only one woman?

I know women cheat too...for those ready to jump up and say "It's not just the men" but I have worked in the industry, and given that there is not a male escort demand that i am remotely aware of I would say that this prevails as a mans issue with cheating.

I am now working out of the industry but still mainly dealing with men. Men who tell me over and over how they love thier wives. Couldnt live without them. They are their best friends... soul mates... etc - Its so nice and heartwarming to hear at first- but theres a catch.

They cheat anyway.

Im not sure if the men actually feel this way or if it is nothing more than a way to make themselves feel better for what they are about to do. But they say it and I listen and smile and wait for the catch, and 9 times out of 10 there is one.
But I need something more
But we dont have sex anymore
But I cant help myself... but but but... you get the idea

And then they ask. Hitting on me directly after you have confessed your love for your wife is never a good idea, but usually it is my repeat customers that i have built a level of friendship with that will ask me out. Without even seeming to notice how disturbed this is- they ask. And I smile and politely decline in order to not lose the business, but it really does make me realize that even when not in the industry i am still cursed with the insight into the mans mind. Of course working as a call girl/escort/entertainer will leave you jaded, but it is more sad to leave the industry and realize that it is not just one group of "hobbyist's" that cheat. It is not just the men who frequent escorts- its also the nice guys who wouldnt dream of an escort encounter- they just go about it differently.

There is no difference between the man who calls and in an hour has a girl show up to have sex and the man who slowly over time seduces a casual friend/coworker. The outcome is the same. Wives are still at home never knowing or dealing with finding out that her fears are true.

No wonder this is the worlds oldest profession, and its not going away. Its just getting worse, so out in the open that monogamy is now odd. It's sad- because women will never change either, and we will all still hope that our man is not like that.

SO which is better? Realizing that men will cheat no matter how much they love their wives- which is the better option? An escort that is a business deal or a friend/lover? Ill let you decide- and i would love to hear opinions on this.

This is such a complex subject for me, because i hated escorting, i hate women being exploited or getting caught in the industry- but i also know if my boyfriend is ultimately going to cheat that i would want it with someone who wanted nothing more from him than money... Its a no win choice.

Im going to snuggle up to my boyfriend tonight and be thankful that he is here, and hate him for being a man :)

The Client List

2010-07-17T11:47:00.000-07:00

I am eager to see the new movie on Monday, i think its on Lifetime- but it's called "The Client List" I believe.... I am curious how they will portray the story- making it seem like a viable option or a bad choice with terrible consequences. Guess we will see!

I've heard it is based on a real life story, where the woman actually did lose her kids, and unlike the movies ending, she did not get them back but returned to escorting... but I can't know for sure.

From the previews, it hit a nerve when she was facing foreclosure and was given the option to escort...kinda close to home. And when asked how she could do that with all those different men, she responded "I did it for my family" and again, it reminded me of prior days. I believe she also got hooked on the money- can anyone relate here?

So it seems pretty true to life- I am however wondering how the story ends in the medias eye.. happy endings are pretty hard to come by- but either way perhaps it will open a few eyes to not only the hazards of the biz, but also shed some light as to why certain women get started- we are not all spoiled divas supporting our shopping habits, or drug addicts after the next fix. We are real people who love our families dearly and as i have said before- will do anything for them- and so we make the bad decision to start. After that its all downhill... lol

Should be a good watch- and id love to hear your opinions afterward.....

Being a Commodity...

2010-07-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

I had a pretty interesting conversation the other day with someone I met while working. Ive been working not in the industry but on my own making pretty good money but again using my people skills and to some degree- looks :)

So this older gentleman asked me what my 5 yr plan was... and I answered that I am planning to start my own biz...blah blah blah- to which he replies - Good, because you do realize that you are a commodity, and need to begin to plan on using something other than your looks to secure your financial future.

Okay.....

He then tried to persuade me to begin investing in real estate. Like that was even an option for me, but I was polite and thanked him for the advice.

Then I got pissed. I do see his point. Looks decline, new beautiful women are lined up behind you, etc... but I am not living my life afraid of the decline! It has taken me this long to get to where i am today, and I am happy to be at this point. I agree everyone should have a plan, and yes one that might be not based on appearance. But he made it seem like my time was running through some fast paced hourglass- and it is not.. I am happier now than I ever was and will continue to use what I can without fear :)

Maybe in 5 yrs ill start to worry, but I do plan on having started a business by then- but it takes time, and money- so until then.... :)-

Good Song For Us All....

2010-05-20T18:56:00.000-07:00

I guess you could say I'm one of those girls
That's always been with one of those guys
You know the type
Like right now, he sleeps while I write
But it's better than crying
I'm worn out from trying
From loving a man who always makes it clear
I'm not welcome here
Just till he's horny and hungry
or needs something cleaned
And you know what I mean

But not tonight
'Cause come the morning light, oh
I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
The stronger woman in me

I'm going to be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no,
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me

Light bulbs buzz,
I get up
And head to my drawer
I wish there was more
I could say
Another fairytale fades to gray
I've lived on hope
Just like a child
Walking that mile
Faking that smile
All the while
Wishing my heart had wings

Well tonight, I'm going to be
The kind of woman I'd want my daughter to be, oh

I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
I won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman

This is me, packing up my bags
And this is me, headed for the door
And this is me, the best you ever had
I'm going to love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me even if someone cannot see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm going to be my own best friend
Stay with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman
A stronger woman
There's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me,
Yeah...

Neglect

2010-05-20T17:32:00.000-07:00

Ok- So despite my best intentions, I continually end up neglecting my blog... so I will just admit that I suck at keeping up.
There- now I can move on to whats important without feeling like such a blog flake.

Ive spent the last few hours reading through your emails, and I thank you for sending them. ( I also apologize for the spam that has been added to the comments and will try to get it cleaned up soon- ugh)

My favorite emails are from women who went online to search for info about becoming an escort- came across the blog, and changed their minds. I am glad that they were able to decide based on both sides of the story, not just the one we usually see...

One of the biggest questions I am asked in the emails is how to screen. I am so torn on this one because I could list the various methods and website services that are aimed at doing this- but I would feel horrible if I made even one person think that by following some of my advice they would be safe, because the fact is you wont be. There is no fool proof way to be safe. Sure you can get referrals, match names to a database, but theres always the chance you could get a psycho. Hell we all know Jeffrey Dahmer was pretty easygoing, and the Craigslist killer looked pretty normal too.. My only advice I will give is to always let someone know where you are going, who you are going to meet, and for how long. Call to check in after you arrive, even if you are faking it they will still think someone is watching and expecting you to check out.

I might be summarizing older posts here- but like I said i just finished hours of emails, so I am going with whats fresh in my mind...

Another big one is from others in financial ruins asking how to start. UGH... I hate this question. It would be impossible for me to recommend one crappy choice over the other. They all have downsides and the pros aren't much better, so my best advice is still not to do it. If you must, and I can totally understand the desperation- trust me, you have to decide what avenue would work best for you personally.

Okay- please keep sending me the hate mail. This i totally love. I naturally laugh at angry people, but its even more humorous to me via a ranting email- especially when you have such a beef towards me personally having never met me. Some are from wives of course bashing the "whores who spread their legs" because god forbid you actually walk into the other room and confront your cheating husband because you might lose your security blanket.... hmmm then we might be able to relate a bit better but moving on- the other group of torch holders seems to be from angry men insisting that we "chose" to get into this industry, and that we "love it and know it". Kudos for taking the time to write me despite your free porn stream. I am guessing you are single, not because you frequent escort services but because judging by the anger towards women in your emails i cant fathom a loving woman sitting by your side. I just cant- sorry. But again, thanks for making me smile and appreciate being single again :)

For those emailers insisting that I had other choices, that I couldve just gotten a "real job" like everyone else, Ill keep it simple. You weren't there. You don't know me, and I was very honest in my writing and sharing of my experiences. As they say, don't judge until you walk in someone else's shoes. It does no good to argue about my decisions in men, children, and jobs. I cant read what you've written and say "Ah HA!- now i know what i shouldve done" and jump back in time. Not gonna happen. But I do know that I am a damn good person. I am kind, generous, funny, loving person. I care about other people, even ones I haven't met yet. I'm a good mom and yes Ive made a shitload of bad decisions, but I'm still here and I'm doing my small part to help others. So I am at peace with where I am today- regrets do no good.

And lastly I got some grief regarding the sugar daddy post- "Why aren't you telling people to get JOBS instead of working men for money? You are promoting sexuality for money blah blah blah..." Ok- not sure if this person had read the blog or not but alot of my readers are either in the industry trying to get out, or thinking of going in because they are broke. And they have jobs- but *shockingly* (Sarcasm) they aren't making enough money. For those people a Sugardaddy is a reasonable choice. One guy instead of many for those that are in the industry, and for those thinking about it- the idea of meeting one generous guy instead of becoming stuck in the escort business seems like a pretty good choice. And I have also given other ideas on how to get by- but I guess some people skipped that post. A SD is good in comparison to escorting for those at that point. Seems pretty evident to me.

Wishing everyone well and keep smiling :)

My new posts on getting by without escorting.....

2010-03-08T16:12:00.000-08:00

I've received alot of emails asking advice on getting by without returning to escorting- and I'm glad that I am able to help someone else be able to do that if that is what they choose to do.

I'm going to be writing a few different posts that will give you some good ideas about finding a sugardaddy, as this has been the biggest question I have been asked. I'll point you to the websites i have had success with and give an overview of the pros/cons... my experiences. I will also be posting a link to a really good ebook guide to it all that I followed back when I first started, I just have to find it online again (It's been awhile!)

My first website review is MillionaireMatch.com

MM was one of the first websites I joined. It's free to join and to send an initial "wink" to someone if you are interested- and then the men can email you back and you can respond after that. You don't have to be a paying member to email back and forth, which is great.

There are alot of men on the site, and what I liked about MM is that the men can get "certified" as millionaires, which means they had to send in a copy of their tax return to prove they make $$$, and it will show you next to their profile.
The drawback is that MM promotes itself as a long term dating site, unlike some of the others I will be telling you about, so it is not a clear upfront SD site, but that being said it is possible to find a SD on the site, you just might have to be clear upfront about what you are looking for.

The only drawback for me on this site was figuring out who was looking for a long term serious relationship and who was open to the SD idea, but I always asked early on so as to not waste any ones time, and I did find several matches.

What i had to remember was to play along with the whole SD game...and not slip into the "escort" frame of mind. These men don't want an escort- but they are happy to help a woman who might need it, so play along! Don't feel like you have to jump into bed to get financial help because that is not the way to get him to help you here.

I had some great dinners, movies, day trips... the usual dating things, but they would also offer to help pay the rent i had mentioned I was behind on, or help catch up on the utilities I had mentioned were getting high. I had one man pay my rent for me after meeting with him for literally 10 minutes... I pulled the "gotta run- emergency at home" bit after meeting him because I knew we weren't going to be a good match, but on the way out he handed me the money i had mentioned i needed anyway, saying it made him feel good to help others, I was shocked!

MM is a great site to find a potential SD...

Another site that I recommend is Seeking Arrangement

SA is a pretty straightforward site when it comes to finding a SD. This site is also free to join, and the good thing about SA is that it designed just for finding an "arrangement" No dating confusion here..lol

You can choose the amount of "allowance" you would like to receive- and the men can also post the amount they are looking to help with, so it eliminates alot of the initial awkwardness. SA is not as busy as some of the other sites, but I found a great long term arrangement here. You do have to weed through the emails to find a good match, and make sure you are both on the same page- but it isn't escorting! It's more like dating and business mixed into one, and if you are looking for a long term arrangement it can work out great.

I'll be listing some of my other favorites websites soon.... :)

Happy hunting!

Now that the holidays are done... :)

2010-01-03T11:32:00.000-08:00

Thank God its over :)
As i have said before, I would hibernate every year from Nov- Jan if possible!

This blog, even in my absence, is amazing. I wish I knew of a way to let others post because the amount of emails is unanswerable for me, and there are so many people who are seeking advice, or support, and have questions- I wish I could do more...

I shy away from answering emails that would support someone in the business. I'm not sure if that is the right thing to do or not- but my advice cant keep you safe, and that would feel like I was supporting your decision, and I am not. So many of you ask how to properly screen, and stay safe, and to be honest there is no perfect answer. There are steps you can take, but nothing is 100% like just staying out.

If I can do it so can you... and its amazing to get emails from those of you contemplating starting who have decided not to because of my blog. I have accomplished my goal in starting this, which was to show the other side. Its not easy, or pretty, but you can quit, you can make it in other ways financially, it doesn't have to be escorting.

I have managed not to go back, and the bills are paid.. and so it goes. Never easy, but do-able. I had panicked when things were tight, and had friends help me put the pieces in place so that if I had chosen to go back I could have. I felt better having the crutch and maybe the power trip, I played around in the industry underworld and got a kick out of the attention- but the thought of actually going back out there and what might happen kept me home.

Based on the emails I assume the next question would be how.. How do I manage to avoid the industry and still make it. It would be unfair i suppose to say that it can be done and not explain how.

First is the emotional aspect, and for those of you getting out you know what I mean. Its that constant struggle in your mind for the fast money. That's the hardest part, but making it a reality and thinking of the actual date and the dangers and not just the money is key. Focus on the reality and not the fantasy, it helps. I found that taking the steps and choosing not to follow thru was alot easier than saying "I cant do this!" I had to play with my mind a little :)

Second is the bills... I hear from so many of you in horrible financial situations, and I totally understand how overwhelming it can be. Ive been there. You cant move mountains, but you can move dirt. ( Ok ill stop trying to come up with motivational quotes...lol) What I mean is dont think about it all at the same time. Focus on immediate needs if you have to until you get on your feet. Electricity, Food, Transportation, shelter. Give yourself time to figure out the other things. I threw all of my bills into a giant box except the electricity for awhile- i pretended i had one bill- pretty easy :)

Working and resourcing. Of course you should be working. I haven't heard from anyone who is sitting on their ass asking how to be rich. We are all in the same boat, working but struggling. I personally feel better knowing I'm not the minority now, as shitty as that sounds, I like knowing that this recession has us all relating to each others struggle a bit more. Okay... so working and not cutting the bills. Reach out to the landlord, credit companies, utilities. They are almost all willing to work with you in today's economy. Swallow your pride and ask for help, not easy but it feels alot better when you see they are willing to work with you. Also you can check out programs that are set aside to help with bills in the area. My electric company actually gave me the number when i called to ask about payment plans. A second job might be needed until you find something better or lower the bills....

Resourcing.... I was doing all of the above for a bit, all the while kicking myself in the ass for not taking the fast cash route but in a way enjoying the challenge to stay out. I had met numerous sugar daddies that just didn't click with me, and a few that did. I reached out to them, not in a greedy or needy way, but honestly. I explained to them that i was working two jobs and still just short each month. And they helped. One paid my car, the other my rent, one my bills... i was amazed. I wasn't dating these guys, nor did i intend too... but i had talked with them for awhile and was always friendly, even though i wasn't intending on dating any of them. Chatting with benefits :) - But in reality I had built a web of resources that came through when i needed them too. Not all of them of course, that would've been a miracle- but enough to put me ahead so that my jobs were enough again. The man i had been seeing was very generous- he handed me keys to one of his empty homes and said to call it home for as long as i needed. I didn't and wouldn't due to the kids and not being in control of the situation, but I was amazed by the generosity of friends.

Sugar daddies, family, friends- whatever resources you have. Ive found that once i put my pride aside and ask for help, doors open. Financial help, better job opportunities, even great ideas have come to me just by being open and honest with people. Stop trying to do it all by yourself, even if it seems you have no one to turn to you do- just think outside the box.

I am in a much better place now, and can think clearly now that I am not in panic mode anymore. I was an emotional wreck because of the holidays and fighting with my ex, and i still managed not to go back to the industry, and i think karma rewarded the good choice with so many doors opening.

Anything is possible....and your choices are unlimited. Escorting takes over and feeds on your fears, but if you can get through it and find other ways to manage, you ll start to realize how shitty of a choice it is.

For you dear S***y

2009-11-01T13:04:00.000-08:00

Found on web but worth sharing....

2009-10-28T04:08:00.000-07:00

ONLY RAPISTS CAN PREVENT RAPE

A lot has been said about how to prevent rape. Women should learn self-defense. Women should lock themselves in their houses after dark. Women shouldn't have long hair and women shouldn't wear short skirts. Women shouldn't leave drinks unattended. Fuck, they shouldn't dare to get drunk at all. Instead of that bullshit, how about:

If a woman is drunk, don't rape her.
If a woman is walking alone at night, don't rape her.
If a women is drugged and unconscious, don't rape her.
If a woman is wearing a short skirt, don't rape her.
If a woman is jogging in a park at 5 am, don't rape her.
If a woman looks like your ex-girlfriend you're still hung up on, don't rape her.
If a woman is asleep in her bed, don't rape her.
If a woman is asleep in your bed, don't rape her.
If a woman is doing her laundry, don't rape her.
If a woman is in a coma, don't rape her.
If a woman changes her mind in the middle of or about a particular activity, don't rape her.
If a woman has repeatedly refused a certain activity, don't rape her.
If a woman is not yet a woman, but a child, don't rape her.
If your girlfriend or wife is not in the mood, don't rape her.
If your step-daughter is watching TV, don't rape her.
If you break into a house and find a woman there, don't rape her.
If your friend thinks it's okay to rape someone, tell him it's not, and that he's not your friend.
If your "friend" tells you he raped someone, report him to the police.
If your frat-brother or another guy at the party tells you there's an unconscious woman upstairs and it's your turn, don't rape her, call the police and tell the guy he's a rapist.
Tell your sons, god-sons, nephews, grandsons, sons of friends it's not okay to rape someone.
Don't tell your women friends how to be safe and avoid rape.
Don't imply that she could have avoided it if she'd only done/not done x.
Don't imply that it's in any way her fault.
Don't let silence imply agreement when someone tells you he "got some" with the drunk girl.
Don't perpetuate a culture that tells you that you have no control over or responsibility for your actions. You can, too, help yourself.

If you agree, re-post it. It's that important.

Note:
This goes for any gendered rape, male on female or female on male or female on female or FTM on MTF or non gendered to dual gendered and so on and so forth....

-author unknown

Sad

2009-10-21T19:38:00.000-07:00

Horribly horribly sad tonight.
Accepting that the person you love simply doesnt love you anymore sucks.

I have been crying for days, and cant function. It fuels a self hatred fire that drives me to escort. To prove I am desireable, wanted.

But then I realize that it can never replace love. Never. There is no comfort in being wanted for sex, but not loved. I think it hurts more.

I want to be loved. I want to make love to someone who loves me back, not sell myself to someone who doesnt know my name. But that choice isnt mine to make. I can sell myself, but i cant make someone love me.

I used to believe in dreams and love, but i cant feel anything anymore. I think even god forgot about me.

I cant even fake happiness enough to pull off a date anymore. I am ignoring it all, wallowing in sadness while the month slips away and i dont dont have the rent money.
Hating every man Ive ever met, but loving the only one who doesnt want me.

Reviews

2009-10-10T18:49:00.001-07:00

Still teetering on the fact that I might have to return to escorting, I came back to "reviews"

Anyone not familiar with this should know, this is where hobbyists "aka- clients" go onto major boards where they cluster like testosterone crazed boys and pat each other on the back for the newest story they posted.

Basically they "review" their time with you and you get scores based upon your performance. Pretty romantic huh? Not only do they include all the details of your time together, but they tend to do as most men in groups do- and try to one up each other by making their details better than the others.

And god forbid if you dont have a good meeting, you are doomed with a "bad review" - which can put a girl out of business in certain areas.

Not only do I think time spent together should be personal- and not posted for the world to read- excuse me, I mean the VIP's that these boards get paying members to pay to be- but the review system is ugly. Lets say you are attractive, have a nice meeting, and all goes well. Well unless you agree to a choice of one of 3 pretty gross things as a minimum- you cant score over a 7 on these rating boards. So no matter how pretty or "good" you are- if you value safety you wont score well.

And the guys who know this that try to help you get a better score are really not doing you any favors, because to do so they must state that you do in fact offer one of these servies- thus making the rest of the men believe when they see you thats what they will get.

Pretty fun stuff.

I was thinking about this because nowadays without reviews it is very hard to get work- guys dont want to take the chance, and so I considered linking back to my working day reviews, but it made me sick to read through them, and i dont want to be tied to the past. So i say no reviews.

Another review downfall is that the boards try to protect themselves by calling the reviews fiction, and agreeing they are made up stories- thus not illegal. Well try telling that to a judge who is holding printouts of your reviews, which happened to a good friend of mine. They arent fiction at that point.

Another fun job perk to consider :)

Queen of Bad decisions

2009-10-10T17:58:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I think the only thing I do better than making wrong decisions is writing about them, so here I am.

I think my last post here was in regards to mr perfect... and needless to say he wasnt. Super rich, yes. Nice only can be faked for so long before someones true colors come out, which they did. And now with my newfound inability to deal with any type of mans crap I broke up with him.

And dated 5 more just like him, thinking I might meet someone who I connected with, but I swear this job has changed the way I see men, especially men with money. I have also "interviewed" more Sugardaddies than I can count, and some I get along with because it is business and I dont automatically hate them like I do with potential boyfriends, but when the talk turns to sex or anything close to it i cut ties. I just cant do it. I am still not over my ex, and as cold as he has been I still have guilt thinking of being with someone else. Its insane.

Or maybe that is just my excuse, maybe deep down i just dont want to do it. I dont want to be anywhere near the industry. I just want to be friggin loved. The do anything, work through anything, cuddle up on a couch and sit by a hospital bedside kind of love that Ive never had.

But then reality sets in, and I meet with more potential men who may save me from the hole of bad decisions i have dug for my family. I have escort ads up. I dont answer the emails, but I felt better putting them up when I wrote the rent check for the last of our money this week. I felt like I was at least trying. I cant find a "regular" job. I went to work at a strip club for 2 nights, and couldnt take it. Humiliating myself for 8 hrs in crazy high heels to deal with man crap? No way...

So here I am. I get comfort writing here, and reading everyones emails and comments. I told my friend i feel as if i am standing on the edge of a giant diving board, knowing i must jump back in but dreading doing so. I hate this industry. I hate the men who contact me, i hate the acronyms and codes for disguisting acts that noone wants to do. I hate pretending to be super sexual and loving the work when I really just pray that I can find something else, anything- that would let me support my family.

I am a million miles away from anything I know, holding onto memories of a man who doesnt care enough to bring us home, with $500 in the bank. I have escorting ads up, and its just a matter of sand pouring through the hourglass, until i finally stop stalling and dive back into the hell pool.

2009-08-31T13:10:00.001-07:00

Amazing update

2009-08-18T19:31:00.000-07:00

Well, Its been awhile, but a crazy while...so I wanted to give an update- and for the first time in a really long time it is a good one...

It seems as god has winked at me in life, again- but better this time.

If you have read my other posts then you know what I mean about how things seem to work in weird ways sometimes when you need them too... I wont go on but it just seems that way.

So I had moved very far away- my money was almost gone, in debt up to my eyeballs, and of course a family emergency occured with one of my kids. It couldnt have gotten any worse for me. I was so scared that I even asked my ex if i could come home. And he didnt say yes. ( That hurt like hell...F*** him)

And then the amazing happened. I hadnt gone back to escorting yet, but had applied at a strip club to kinda ease me back into the world. I was in a hotel spending the last of my money to keep my kids safe- and then it all changed...

I had had dinner with this man once- who was polite and nice- but hadnt thought much about it. Well he called me to see if I would have dinner with him again, and by then my money was gone, my ex had said we couldnt come home, and i was screwed... so I told him. I said I cant do dinner, and this is why...and i told him what was happening in my world. Not expecting help, just being honest as to why i couldnt go to dinner with him.

And it seems that someone sent him into my life at that moment for a reason. It turns out he is super rich- not that that is what matters, but he had the means to help me- and amazingly enough this man i had met once stepped up, used his connections to help fix the emergency my child was in, not only fixed the problem but went with me every step of the way.

This person handed me the keys to his multi million dollar home he wasnt using, and told me to stay as long as we needed to avoid the hotel cost. His people not only set the appointments we needed, but called afterwards to see how they went. He went with me everywhere. He paid all of the bills.

And heres the shocker- I didnt have to jump in bed with him. I asked him what the catch was, and there wasnt one.

He said when people need help he helps them, it was as simple as that for him. He became a multi millionaire after working many jobs and struggling, so he understood what it was like. He has an amazing heart, and I cant believe I was lucky enough to meet him when I did. And now that it is resolved and we are back home and happy, we are continuing to see each other. He wants to marry and calls this our budding relationship- but I am not sure I would go there. Maybe someday. But for now, I am just so thankful.

Not only did he save us, but he is super cool. He is super sweet and a true gentleman, and is off on a new adventure every weekend. He is fun, and makes me laugh. he is not like the other super rich guys i have met. He is still humble, and genuine. Toys are toys he says- but what fun are they without someone to share them with....
His house is amazing and beautiful, but it doesnt seem to phase him. We kick off our shoes and run around like kids laughing while the music blares in the background.

And for now the stripping/escorting thing is again off of the to do list. I had met with alot of men from the sites, and I could have arranged something for cash to get by, but I like this better. It is fun, and real, and i enjoy his company. And he is helping me not in return for sex.... but because he likes me as a person. Its pretty amazing.

Going back after being out

2009-07-25T07:10:00.000-07:00

Going back into the industry is going to be alot harder than I thought! Never mind the tons of other things that go along with it, but my initial experience is that I can no longer pretend to put up with men..

I used to be able to smile and nod and be cute, and I have found that now I just cant do it. I cant stand listening to them justify cheating on their wives, or demanding this or that on their time... its total crap what we put up with. I havent even begun again, because I cant get past the initial contacts.

Maybe I am mad at myself and it reflects towards them, or maybe I am just 2 years wiser and cant put up with men's shit anymore. I hate the fake conversations and the pretending to care about me and what I want... maybe knowing my ex did it for so long just makes it a slap in the face. I just want the conversation to go something like... I want this, you want that, cool- dont be an asshole. Thats pretty much all I can take right now.

And as much as I am dying to be sexual again, I cant stand the thought of them touching me. Or the guys at the clubs, because again, my mind says why do it for free?

And my new boss has started letting his attraction be known, its crazy. I want to ask him if I should tell his girlfriend when she visits, or if its just a secret between us.. Although I will admit that if I have to act on my adult desire...he would be it. He is very attractive, aggressive in business, but an true gentleman towards me. We go to nice restaurants everyday and he always pays, he opens the car door for me every damn time, and lots of other "I wish my boyfriend was like this" stuff. And it would be just my luck to accept his advances, have some great sex, and then jeopordize my job.

Maybe I am just not ready for any of this yet...:)

Alot has changed...

2009-07-22T20:10:00.001-07:00

My life is completely different now.. Not for the better or for the worse, just different.

I had to leave my boyfriend, and in doing so have managed to move us to another state, far away, to start fresh. I am devastated, but I am holding onto the thread of hope that has so often pulled me through this crap..and I know it will get better.

For now, we have nothing. The money I had saved to move is just about gone, we don't have any furniture, its not pretty. I am working full time, and praying that the job goes well, but I have already begun to plan to transition back into the industry.
I know its the wrong choice for me, but I am also beginning to realize I make alot of bad choices, and although there might be other options for me, I cant see them right now.
All I can see is my money almost gone, my car about to be repossessed, and my phone shut off. I am not spending, not splurging. I am working ft as hard as I can, but its not enough and I cant live like this with the kids.

Is it really that wrong to go make a few thousand to get us on our feet again? Maybe, but I don't think so.... I would rather not, but the choice of doing nothing doesn't make much sense to me either. I went from having everything, to having nothing, to settling for a man who didn't love me, to now... and I have to get us back to on track.

I have never hit "rock-bottom" but I am guessing it cant get much worse than this.

For me, alot is emotional too. Honestly, if I am positive and happy then I can think my way out of these situations, but I am just not there anymore. I left the last person i know who claimed to care about me, and he didnt even try to stop me. He wished me well, as I knew he would but hoped he wouldnt. I drove 800 miles with the kids and waited for him to call me, imagined he would be at my new house waiting for us with a big hug and how sorry he was. Then weeks passed and I thought he would ask me to come back home. But he didnt, he got a dog, and he is fine. And I have realized that I am just completely retarded.

So if I can live for two years with a man who is pretending to care for me, just so he can sleep with me, then I can also reverse it. I can pretend to care about a man to get his money because he wants to sleep with me. It seems pretty fair to me at this point.

I reconnected with an old fling, a very wealthy man who I know would help me, but i just dont feel the same for him, and so i cant do it. I did consider it, to be completely honest- but I just cant intentionally hurt people like that, like my ex did to me. I cant pretend when the other person will be truly hurt... its just not right. Business is business, but money is not all the same. I wont use someone to get money, only if we have an arrangement of sorts.

So wish me luck... I will get us back to where we shouldve been had I not been such a girl and fallen for the fairy tale promises. It will suck, but I will manage :) Working in an unfamiliar area is the worst though, especially without the no list, so I may take the agency route for awhile just until I become familiar with my surrondings and some of the people, and locate the underground danger list for this area.

A way around escorting

2009-06-24T19:13:00.001-07:00

Okay, So i am off on a new adventure :)

I am not, not going back to escorting! Unless of course I am completely out of money and there is no choice.
I have managed to get a great job opportunity, and although it is pretty far away and scary to jump into, I am thankful for the chance.

I have also gotten into dating the right people....lol. I had mentioned Sugar Daddies a long time ago, and if I can date one wealthy man and stay out of the business, I would much rather do that!

My favorite new site is www.sexysinglemillionaires.com .

And i like www.wealthylocalsingles.com too, because its easy to search nearby :)

I have met several really nice people, and there is a mix of different types. Some are marriage minded, some just the SD/SB types, but I am just honest about what I am looking for and hopefully I'll find a great match again. There is alot of traffic so it shouldn't be a problem!

Keeping in touch, and wishing everyone the best :)
Amber
I just

My song for today... :) I love Jewel

2009-06-05T06:03:00.000-07:00

Checking in again :)

2009-05-21T18:40:00.000-07:00

As you can tell, I left the blog up... Partly because of the huge email response to keep it up, and also because it was my creation. My words are truths poured out there to be understood or criticised- and I hated to destroy it.

I love the fact that people still come here and talk to each other, even if I am out of the picture. We need a lonliness break, advice, or even just a place to vent.

I apologize if you have emailed me and I havent responded. The emails are tremendous and I havent taken the time to respond, but even if I did, I know tracing emails is pretty easy, and would fear another privacy breach. It really sucks to live under this veil. Luckily however, I appear to have gotten several emails from Nigeria promising me millions if I transfer money- so I will be all set financially soon. ( I am kidding, that is so funny to me because I had a friend that fell for that scam, no matter what I said)

And me.... I am still out. Someone worded it in an email I received, they said " I still think about going back everyday- but at least I dont dream about it anymore" That was said perfectly for me. Maybe thats all that comes of it, a daily choice whether or not to return. I have been thinking alot more lately about what I deserve, not just what I will put up with- if that makes sense to anyone. I am realizing clearly that in life, I do not stand up for what i really want, and deserve, and hopefully with practice I will start.

I wish everyone the best- the escorts, the ones debating starting, the angry wives, the men. We are all in this together in some weird way.

A Final Farewell - Taking down the blog

2009-02-24T08:41:00.001-08:00

I am very sad to say this, but I am taking down the blog. Someone I trusted to know I blogged here breached my privacy and the feelings and honesty that have made this blog such a success are now being used against me. ( Life's lesson I just cant seem to grasp as many times as I've been smacked in the face with it- trust no one)

I could continue the blog and just accept what is known and move on, but it wouldn't be the same. I came here to be honest, and speak freely among those who did not know me, and it was amazing. But to have someone you care about breach your trust and in turn judge you is like having your diary read. It leaves you feeling naked and vulnerable and it sucks.

If I continued I would edit what I wrote, I would choose my words carefully aimed at that persons reading it, and that is not me. If I cant be honest and speak freely, there is no point here for me.

It saddens me because I am struggling right now, and there is no support out there. There are no daily meetings, no sponsors, no call a friend for comfort. And so the very people who judge in turn push us farther into ourselves and our isolation. And we are left to figure it out on our own.

I will leave the blog live for about another week, so those of you here can connect with each other and copy and posts you found helpful. I do hope you reach out and stay in touch with at least each other, because it is lonely out there. I can always be reached at my email, which is blog.amber@gmail.com.

If by any chance there is another ex worker in the same sort of situation, I would gladly pass the blog onto you to continue. It is set up anonymously so it wouldn't be a problem. I don't make any money on the blog, but it does get about 200 hits a day, many return visitors, and over 13,000 hits in its time.

I am very sad. Its another loss and as much as I should be used to loss by now it still stings.

Anyway: It is what it is. My final thoughts for all of you:

* Don't worry about what others think of you. Do what you need to do and what is right for you and don't ever let anyone make you feel like less of a person for doing so.
* Stay safe. Don't let your guard down or lower your standards for anyone. Only you are worth it, no one else.
* Never date a client. Never. No matter how perfect it seems they will never forget. Even the nicest guy will years later remind you during an argument. Find a man who will love you for you without judgement. The world judges us all enough. You need love and support at home, nothing else.
* Try to stay out if you have gotten out. I know its hard. But you can do it. Its an adjustment like everything else, but if you go back, remember you can stop again.
* Try to help others working or not. We really only have each other.
* Men- be nice. I wont go on about moral issues or such, but if you have a girl visit, the least you can do is be nice.
* Ultimately, its not worth it. In the end you lose alot more than you gain.
* Believe in yourself. I don't care what has been said or done to you. You couldve been doing the things you most despise- but you can walk away with your head held high, and be proud of yourself, and put it behind you. What you did is not who you are, its what you did. You are not branded for life. You still deserve respect, love, and to find someone who will love you unconditionally.
* No one is better than you. Not the rich men, not the pampered stay at home wives, not the churchgoers. No one. Don't ever let them make you think so.

With sadness,
Goodbye
Amber

Entrapment

2009-02-21T18:34:00.000-08:00

I just had to write about this subject. It really pisses me off.

I understand the heated debate over legalization. I also understand that it is considered illegal.

This is understood, and by choosing to take the risk, we know that we cant call the police for help if the client is abusive. We know that we will be judged, scorned, and frowned upon if we do dare to complain at all. We accept that because we dont really have a choice.

But to spend tax dollars, time and resources on entraping a woman just seems absurd to me. Is there really such a benefit for arresting a woman who advertises online for a few hundred dollars an hour? Who are they helping? I get that its illegal. But to go out and set up a woman just to do it... I disagree.

Arrest the pimps on the street corners, the child trafficers. Provide resources for those forced into prostitution or abused. But to spend the time and money to set up a sting for an independant woman who caters to the upper class?

Does anyone else agree?

Friday Nights....

2009-02-20T14:20:00.000-08:00

Its another Friday night.....lol

It didn't take long for my boyfriend to realize that I turn into a different person at 5:00 on Fridays. This was because the weekends were my killer time, I would make a couple thousand and be so happy come Sunday night. When I first quit I was really bad, I paced around like a smoker dying for a cigarette, and snapped at my boyfriend over nothing.

He got used to it. Which made me even madder if I had a serious beef with him and he would roll his eyes and say "Oh, I forgot - It's Friday again" Grrrr...

But anyway, Its alot better now, but its still there. I am such a weirdo that I get the house clean and laundry done by Fri morning. Just in case. And then I make sure I look damn good. Just in case. So i sit here, looking pretty damn good I must say- and for what? To drive myself crazy, thats what.

I will sit here and imagine an old call or going out on a new fake not escorting gig- and it will slowly get dark around me and eventually I will admit I am not going anywhere and go put pajamas on around 10. And I will feel like a huge failure. I dont feel proud of myself for not escorting, I feel like I lost out on an opportunity and now I have to wait another week. I will be moody all weekend. I seriously ponder whether or not I am legally insane.

Nothing I have ever done has haunted me like this. Its such a temptation that it takes over my rational thinking and lures me into a fantasy world of money that I once lived in, only to have me emerge broke and pissed off.

This sucks. Maybe if I had friends to go out with and pass the time, or if my boyfriend liked going out with me, but I just sit here. All dressed up and nowhere to go. I cant take the burden of being broke. I cant take having no life, never leaving this house unless its to return with groceries. I used to party all night long, in the best 5 star hotels, the cities hottest clubs. Now I cant stay awake past 11 because I am so mad at myself. I remember it as fun and I have to remind myself that even though it was exciting, and I was out- it wasnt fun to be doing what I was doing.

The only good thing was the money. And I wonder if that is what my issue is- or if I won the lottery tomorrow would escorting still have such a pull on me? I do think about that- if I was rich would it then be the excitement, the power, the game? Would I crave the different men and their stories? I doubt that one ;)

I never thought it would be this hard to stay away.

Emotional roller coaster

2009-02-12T10:59:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been playing a very dangerous game with myself. I have been coming up with new ideas on how to make money. Real money, not the extra part time night job money, its not worth paying a sitter for money like that. And please don't flame that remark, most women will understand that...

So I have posted ads, for modeling, massage, friendship. And I feel better that I am putting myself back out there and trying to make some money.

And then my email gets swamped.

And my phone rings off the hook.

And I read through the emails and listen to the messages and I ignore them all.

My boyfriend has okayed my decisions, maybe the financial crisis has finally gotten to him, or maybe he has given up on me staying out of the industry. I wouldnt blame him, how many times can I possibly expect him to explain the rational choices and still have me refute and lean toward escorting?

I cant make myself go back out. Not yet. Im not sure what I am waiting for, or what will make me take the step back across that line, but I have set myself up to do it. No matter what the ads read, the men assume one thing. I could state in an ad that I have no vagina and no hands, and my mouth is sealed shut, and I believe they would still ask for something sexual to be done. How? I dont think they care, but if you are pretty and have an ad, they will ask for it.

I guess that is why I havent tried answering the responses for massages. Maybe I dont trust myself not to be pulled back in once I am out alone with another man. I dont think I would, I know my response would be- no, nothing sexual, but I know how persistent they can be, and how financially screwed I am right now, and it would be easy to cave and do something I would regret just to make him shut up or make some easy money. And then I would have crossed the line and I would jump right back out there.

But I keep posting ads, and setting myself up. I cant tell if I am working my way in or just going completely nuts. I feel like a drug addict but without any of the perks.

I almost worked this weekend

2009-01-12T19:01:00.000-08:00

I had a horrible weekend, a big fight with my boyfriend pushed me back into survival mode and I almost went back out. I got into the mindset, and was determined to go out and make a good chunk of money and regain the feeling of power that I sometimes believe escorting gave me.
So I showered, and dressed up, and did my makeup perfectly. I browsed thru some of the ads online asking for company. No- too risky I decided. They could be cops, or psychos, and of course they want a picture first and there is no way I am sending my face out to the world.
I thought about calling my old agency. They loved me, and I know if I made the call I would be working in a matter of hours. But then I thought about the constant stream of calls that would follow for weeks, at 2 am, 5 am, whenever they got a big money booking and needed me, whether or not I wanted to work. I thought about the 2 hr drive into the city and sitting in a parking lot until a call came in, and my couch just seemed so much more comfortable.
So i thought I would throw an ad up, let them come to me. But then I would have to take a picture, and what if my boyfriend recognized something I was wearing, or the background. Maybe I could snag a picture online and use it- no thats a shitty thing to do, and I wouldnt want someone to use my picture for something like that. Damn, maybe I can use an old picture- thats what I'll do. Now I need a driver. I make a call, but the only person I would trust wont do it. Fine, I'll just go alone. But then I remembered the guy who tried to get me in a dark parking lot behind a hotel, or the guy who tried to kidnap me for god only knows what. I thought about all of the stories on human trafficing I have read over the last year, and I imagined myself trapped in someones basement in another state.
I thought about all the girls and women right now who dont have a choice, and they cant get away, and how horrible a life that must be, and I realized I had the choice to be safe.
And so the pile of bills didnt seem so overwhelming anymore. The allure of a chunk of money was no longer calling me, and I was more thankful to have the choice to stay home and be safe. I watched the children play, and wondered how they would fare without me, and god forbid if someone got one of them because of my actions.
And it wasnt worth it.
I know alot of escorts will say this is an extreme, and it may seem that way. I managed to stay safe during my time out there, but I did have several very scary dates, and now, to go back out there and risk it again seems insulting to my own self, and the girls who are trapped and do not have a choice. I have been very lucky and I am safe with my family, and I cant be any more greatful for that.

I made it through the weekend without going back. And im glad I didnt, and I hope next time I can think my way through it again.
Thanks for listening.

I am back~ with apologies

2009-01-04T14:20:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how long it's been, but I am back. And I sincerely apologize for not keeping up with the emails and comments. The holidays are so hard for me, that if I could I would go into hiding from Nov-Jan just to avoid them.

But they are over now. I've made it through another years holidays and managed to give the children some sense of normalcy. When they are grown, I will start a club for skipping the holidays for those of us in the same boat.

So what's new with me? I am in the same spot as the last time I blogged I believe. I still have a part of me that wants to go back to escorting. Especially when the repo man came the day before christmas eve, and the bill collectors call constantly. I managed to keep the car ( the first big thing I purchased when I started escorting after my bills were almost gone- which I LOVE) So I am thankful for that.

I still sit around thinking of ways to exploit myself for money. I make up all these things to do without escorting, but still somehow using my looks or sexuality or openness around men to make more money. Im convinced it will never go away. To clarify what I mean, I never would think of just starting a bakery- I would imagine a topless bakery, or a sexy clothed bakery, always along that line. I guess it is hard to imagine being successful without the added sexuality.

I have been watching the escort websites, I dont know why, but I have been, and I am saddened by the increase of women on there. I know the economy is terrible, I just still wish there was a better way. I don't judge them, I just feel for them having to make that choice. I realize how lucky I was when I started to have a professional showing me the way, and it terrifies me to think of someone going out there who doesnt know what to do to keep herself safe.

I cringe when I see the ad that says newbie- or new girl- because they dont realize they are targeting themselves to the dangerous men that look for that kind of ad, the men who prey on the vulnerable.

I have begun to start a business, a legitamate one- which involves me going into peoples houses. And at first I was very excited- it was a unique, great idea and fun. But then the men started in, and i got countless emails asking what can i do while you are there- can i do this, that- do you offer any other services? And it just made me so mad. I didnt realize that even a legitimate business would invoke such a response. Men are pigs. And not only did it anger me because they asked for something sexual in a nonsexual business, but i was also angry at myself because I was tempted. Angry at them for wanting to exploit me, and myself for considering the money. It is one thing to be in the business and expect it, another to get gawked at in public and know thats just how it is, but to try and be legit and do good and still be approached for that pissed me off.

I am also still frustrated with my relationship. It has almost been two years and he is still married, and the last time I opened up to him and told him how it feels to be, well a mistress, it didnt do any good. He says it may take another year, he doesnt know. And I am tired of waiting. Im tired of feeling badly when I did no wrong in this relationship, and I feel like I am either being played, or settling for second best, and neither feels good. I have decided to leave in the summer if he is still married. He doesnt know, and I see no good in telling him, I believe it would just make it harder for me in the meantime. If his intention was to divorce to keep me it wouldve been done by now. When (if) I settle down, it will be because a man adores me, marries me, and makes me feel like a princess. This just being good enough to be a trophy girlfriend sucks. It is similiar to escorting, I am wanted because I am attractive and sexual, but I am not the one he wants to marry and keep. He always says he wants me to be his girlfriend forever, and I bite my tounge, because in reality thats a pretty mean thing to say.

Thats all for now, I missed writing and will continue, because I love hearing from everyone as well.

Happy holidays and new year- and for those more like me- thank god its over!

Why my blog sucks

2008-11-05T17:57:00.001-08:00

I admit, my blog has sucked lately- on my end. Your comments and emails have been great, and I appreciate the communication we all have, but I've been slacking on my end- so I figured I owed an explanation.

I started this blog out of anger, in response to the positive press that the Spitzer scandal had received. I wanted to get the other side out there- the real side of escorting. I wanted the world to know that it wasnt all big easy money and fun, there was a side not talked about. And I think I did a pretty good job at opening up and sharing that.

Recently it has gotten harder for me to see that. Like a bad relationship, after awhile you look back and the good seems better than it was, and the bad drifts away and leaves your memory. It becomes harder to recall, and although you know it is there the good parts plant themselves up front, creating the illusion of something better than it was.

I dont know if its the holidays, my relationship slowly straining, or the bill collectors who call day and night and night. I dont know if its monetary, emotional, or just some addiction that I cant escape, but escorting has been on my mind.

I guess thats why I havent written too much on the subject lately. Im a horrible liar, and I dont want to risk anyone reading something positive about escorting from me. Even if I never know, I dont want someone to come here and read something Ive written and make the choice to escort. I want to continue to stress that its not the right choice, even when I myself struggle with the choice to go back. I guess more importantly I havent. Its been over a year now. Im still making it without escorting, and I hope to continue. Moreso, I hope that someday its not a choice for me. I want to get to the point where it is out of the question, whatever my circumstances. I want to become one of those strong women on tv who shudder at the thought, who believe in themselves, and would never, ever consider selling their temples.

I want to be strong someday, not someone with no respect for myself who contimplates selling herself to make ends meet. I just wonder how much long it will take. What do I need to do to get there? Is it even possible?

The Holidays

2008-10-31T04:17:00.001-07:00

The holidays suck for me. Totally suck.

I could get personal and go into a million reasons that would shock most of you- but I'll spare you the real life drama :)

If I could I would go to sleep in October and wake up Jan 2nd. After the day of giving thanks with family. The joys of christmas disguised as who gets the most and best presents. The glamour of new years eve where lovers stay up late to kiss and make promises they dont intend to keep. All the romance and love and blah of the holidays has always skipped me.

I watch the world spin around with joy and excitement like an outsider.

I'm a grinch. A Mr scrooge. I try, but I just don't feel it.

And this year the holiday anticipation is pushing me so hard to escort. I am fighting myself everyday not to walk away from my never getting divorced boyfriend and just go back to the big money. Pile things under the tree for the children. Do what I want.

Its the money, definitely. But I also think its emotional. The stress, the sadness of the holidays make it easy for me to slip back into that mindset of "I might as well be an escort" Feeling badly makes escorting seem like a rational choice. Is it because I hate myself and feel that I fit in with the escorting world- or is it because the money allows me to help others and the kids and so I feel better?

I don't know.

Adult Work

2008-10-22T10:11:00.000-07:00

I have been wondering lately where to draw the line when it comes to working in the "adult" industry.

So escorting is out. Adult movies- obviously out.

But here comes the grey line... Stripping. Im not a big fan because A. I feel like a complete dork dancing in front of people. B. I'm not in perfect shape C. Im not sure i could manage in front of a crowd like that.

I've done bachelor parties, and they werent great.

Also, I have come up with a million different ideas on how to make fast money without having to escort, but they all have the adult edge to them. So the boyfriend says absolutley not.

Ugh...

I was just wondering what everyone else thought, where do you draw the line?
If you do- are you afraid it would be too easy to get pulled back into escorting?

Nothing about escorting post- just a vent really.....

2008-10-12T20:13:00.000-07:00

I have the couch again tonight. It sucks. I dont know who lives like this, but we do. If there is tension, I guess we cant sleep in the same bed. His choice, i just follow along. I dont even know why i am posting this- wtf is wrong with me?

Desperation i guess, hoping someone would tell me this is normal. Someone please respond and tell me that people live like this that are in normal loving relationships. Tell me its okay to date a separated man whose divorce is never talked about. And is taking forever. And why do i even care- i know he isn't going to marry me. I've known that for awhile now. I guess its the stigma of dating a married man that bothers me. I got over the not marry me thing. It stung at first, badly i admit, but im over it now. Because it goes both ways, I can leave anytime too, and god knows Im a runner. And that scares the shit out of me. I want to stop running someday. I want to settle down and feel that sense of home. But i cant do it living separately like we do. I take care of my kids, he his, and we meet some nights for sex. And sometimes he sleeps through the night in the same bed with me. Or at least its a night i haven't woken up to find him gone downstairs to the couch. Maybe if we had some kind of agreement, roommates in love with no expectations i guess- but to pretend we are in a serious relationship and always be alone is just weird. Its like being single with rules. And im lonely. I miss what we used to have. Hope is an ugly thing.

Reality is what is is, and sometimes it takes a small voice to make you look at what you are trying not to see.

2008-10-12T16:52:00.001-07:00

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
Id roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted then go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
Id kick it with who I wated
And Id never get confronted for it.
Cause theyd stick up for me.

[Chorus]
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear Id be a better man.
Id listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause hes taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy
I could turn off my phone
Tell evveryone its broken
So theyd think that I was sleepin alone
Id put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that shed be faithful
Waitin for me to come home (to come home)

(Chorus)
Its a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think Id forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

(Chorus)
But youre just a boy
You dont understand
Yeah you dont understand
How it feels to love a girl someday
You wish you were a better man
You dont listen to her
You dont care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause youve taken her for granted
And everything you have got destroyed
But youre just a boy

2008-09-30T19:26:00.001-07:00

Adversity is a great teacher, but this teacher makes us pay dearly for its instruction; and often the profit we derive, is not worth the price we paid.
Jean Jacques Rousseau (1712-1778) Swiss political philosopher and essayist.

My song for tonight.....

2008-09-29T17:35:00.001-07:00

To my old clients

2008-09-19T18:31:00.000-07:00

A final farewell.. maybe I'm seeking closure tonight.

To most of the clients, the one time dates and the repeat customers who bought me without ever acknowledging who I might really be- or how what I was doing was affecting me, I can say that I truly resent you. I resent myself more, but you played your role too. Maybe you were fooled by the smiles. Maybe you were just too caught up in your need to realize the effect you would have. But you did have an effect on me. I cant remember your faces, or our encounters- but I remember the feelings I had, and they suck.

To the ones who cared, I am torn between hating you for still buying my body, and being thankful to you for being nice to me. For seeing me regularly so I did not have to meet with so many strangers. For asking me how I was doing, why was I in this business, and when would I stop. You still bought me, and used me for your gratification, but you offered a smidge of kindness at a time when I craved any bit i could get, and so I guess I do have to be thankful for that. Thank you to the ones who tried to convince me to stop, to leave my boyfriend who was pushing me to escort, or to at least plan financially so I could stop soon.

I didn't have any family by that point. I didnt have any friends, so I am ashamed to say that sometimes I looked forward to our visits. Not because I wanted to touch you. I didn't. But I needed human interaction, attention, conversation. I needed to get away from the boyfriend you all glared at sitting in your driveway. You were right. Noone who really cared about me wouldve let me do that, they wouldnt have been able to sit outside knowing. I didnt believe you at the time. I thought you were just trying to date me. But you were all older than me, and in better places, and im sure you could see it better than I could.

I wasn't really there during our meetings- and I know I faked it really well. But I couldnt tell you apart. I just wanted you to feel comfortable with me, and for you to think I was happy. I dont know why I owed you that protection from my real feelings. Maybe i didnt want the pity. I was still trying to convince myslelf i was okay, and to be honest i was so wrapped up in my own world that I would never have really let any of you in.

And so thats it. To those of you who thought they knew a piece of the real me- you didnt. I lied. I lied about family, kids, ages, jobs. I told you what you needed to hear. To those who traveled from far away multiple times a month, I didnt think about you until i knocked at your door. It is just now that I am realizing you may have planned and looked forward to our visits. Sorry.

I was scared and lonely, and very very hurt. Thats who I was. I wanted to go home and curl up and watch tv. I wanted to get married and have babies with someone who loved me. I wanted, desperately, to be loved. I hated escorting, and if you had offered me a regular job for you instead of sex, you would have seen a real smile from me.

2008-09-18T14:04:00.000-07:00

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”
Mary Anne Radmacher

Casey Anthony

2008-09-18T03:42:00.000-07:00

This is a just my opinion, but does anyone else get the feeling that she may have worked as an escort? All the lying about her jobs, and her attitude have given me that vibe. Anyone else get that feeling from her?

God bless that beautiful little girl though- wherever she may be.

Brothels

2008-08-29T06:11:00.001-07:00

I was curious about this subject after a recent comment from a former brothel worker in Nevada. Having never experienced this, and based on what I've seen on TV (actually one of the interviews is the video on my main page) It seems like this option would suck.

Its as bad as working for the agency, and having them take half, but seems worse because you are stuck there for certain periods of time, and told when you can work or sleep. Am I mistaken? Because if this is true, I know I couldn't cut it. I would not be able to be woken up and perform. I'd be the girl at the end of the lineup (which seems as humiliating as it can get to me- kinda like being picked for teams in gym class)... Anyway, Id be the one ducking in back praying I wasnt picked, with my sleepy hair all fucked up and my makeup smeared. Thats what I imagine anyway.

And then to have everything monitored? I have done the public thing, been to swingers parties and such, but to have the person most like a boss listening in would freak me out.

I dont get why the women in Nevada havent protested yet. Moved out and started a girl run place, with better pay cuts and conditions how they want it. Why not? That guy who runs the bunny ranch seriously bugs me- I don't know why the girls put up with it. He has never been in there, he doesnt get what it feels like. I would think the girls would run a much better place based on their experiences.

What do you think?

Well... Jobless and trying not to freak

2008-08-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

I am newly jobless- by my own choice

Totally stupid I know, but at the time, I couldn't stand the thought of being in that office for another minute. I had been dreading going in for weeks,and after a bad day, I just quit. Just like that. At the time I was sure it was the right thing to do, and now a few days later I am doubting my decision.

What kind of mother would quit her job without having another one lined up?
A loser... or a former escort who knows she could go out and make the money she needed quickly if she needed to.
Yuk. The aftermath of escorting. The devil in the back of your head egging you on with this promise of instant money and free time. I seriously wish I didn't know it existed, but I do. But it's not a choice for me, I wont go back, and so its a curse, prompting me to go with my impulsive selfish choices and not weigh my decisions.

I guess I am too free spirited. That's my nice way of explaining my irresponsibility. I'm too free, i cant be confined to a cubicle all day. It drove me crazy to just sit there, day after day. Then i found out all the women in the office hated me. Why? I was always super nice to them, but my friend said that is how most office women are. If you are younger or prettier, or for no reason, they just wont like you. And that sucks. Its not bad enough to be trapped at a desk all day, but with women glaring at you? No thanks.

So now I am scanning the classifieds. Dreading the thought of going into another interview, sitting behind another desk. Knowing i better figure something out pretty damn soon or Ill really be in trouble. I read the ads - always with the devil voice reminding me that two hours of escorting equals a weeks pay.

I feel like such a loser. One of the weird adults that doesn't know what they want to do with their life. When i was young i wanted to be an archaeologist, then a social worker- i had big ideas and they all seemed so fun. Not anymore. Now trying to figure out what to do is a reminder of what i shouldve done by now. A degree, training for something, experience. How did everyone else figure this out? How did they graduate high school and run off to college knowing what they wanted to do?

Maybe they didn't grow up trying to care for a mother in the depths of depression. Maybe their father didn't walk away without saying goodbye. Maybe they did, but they were smart enough to figure it out anyway, but not me.

So here i sit, blogging when I should be sending resumes out. I inspired myself to job search tonight by reading "Without a Net" A memoir of a young woman with children who ended up homeless. The fears of not providing for the kids will always push me to do something. But what? I'd love to write a book, but noone would believe my story and even less would be interested in reading it.

I circle all the crappy jobs i don't want in the paper, and Ill force myself to go get one, but I keep thinking of all these crazy business ideas. A catch your cheating husband service, opening a strip club that treats the women well, a screening service for working girls. But I need to stay away from all things sex work related, or it would be too easy to get pulled back in.

And I want to stay out. As much as I miss the easy money, I don't want to go back. I love being honest with my boyfriend. I love only being with him. I love "us" and what we have, and I dont want to lose that. I dont want to have to lie to my kids. I dont want to risk losing them, or getting arrested, or killed.

Another Blog for a different perspective

2008-08-21T07:52:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd share this blog with everyone- sent by *correction* Friction

Friction

I haven't read thru too much, but my initial impression was that this blog appears to be pretty open about escorting. You decide....

Part time Escorting ?

2008-08-16T18:14:00.000-07:00

I am writing this post after reading thru some of the recent comments by women who are escorting on a part time basis. From their comments they appear to be content in what they are doing because they feel safer and more in control because there was not an agency involved.

I appreciate their views, and I can relate because there was a time that I told friends how great escorting was and I felt safe and in control as well. But the truth is I wasn't, and so I wanted to give my view on why this wasn't the case. To those who are still working saying you are okay- wouldnt you stop if you had another comparable option- honestly?

Not to judge the others, this is my opinion of course, maybe they are happy, maybe they need to tell themselves they are- whatever the case is, I can give a different spin on the happy independent.

You need to get thru alot of crap before you even get to the point of a "regular", which is what seems to be appealing. But lets start from the start, you need to meet alot of men before you get regulars. Alot. And the dangers that come from meeting so many different men are the obvious ones.

But lets jump ahead- is it really better to see a few select clients once in awhile?

You are still selling yourself, still escorting, only on a smaller scale. So you will still have the effects that come from escorting, but reduce the danger that meeting with so many men poses, assuming you've made it this far. Seeing the regular client on your time schedule would seem fine right? Not really. You still have the "unintended consequences" that could arise, such as the regular that you feel safe with turning on you. How? Maybe he snaps, it happens. Who would he take his anger out on- his wife, or his escort?
You would still be hiding, still be lying about what you are doing. So you still get the perks of the guilt and shame.
Regulars aren't husbands, they will eventually move on, then you have to find new ones, again back out in the dangers.

I don't think I am expressing what I am trying to say very well- probably because I am still recovering from the boob surgery and have been super stressed- but what I am trying to say is part time escorting on your terms is still escorting.
It is still dangerous, it still has consequences, and it is still not worth the way it will leave you feeling. I can understand the allure, but I guarantee it is not worth it.

Kinda like selling a really small amount of drugs once in awhile- you reduce the risk, but its not really worth the trade offs.

Hope to better blog when I'll make more sense :)

Money / Greed

2008-08-11T11:35:00.000-07:00

In response to a comment thread on this subject:

I think Joe did a pretty good job of explaining to sanityclause where this is coming from, but apparently someone has the idea that I do not stress the downside of escorting compared to the amount of money enough, which seems odd to me if you have read through the majority of my posts.

I have left escorting, and so I am obviously not focused on the money.
As Joe said, it is the KNOWING, not the actual doing. And that being said, I have always maintained that this blog would be completely open and honest, and that will include all aspects and consequences of working in the industry, as told by me and other commenter's.

I think I have been pretty clear, but I will try again.
Everyone I know, including myself, began escorting because they were in a bad place and needed the money. Money was the only reason to start. Then you get used to making that amount of money, and live accordingly. And when you cant take the negative effects of escorting and quit, you have to learn to deal with losing that amount of money.

Greed would be continuing the lifestyle knowing the negatives and not caring. Making good positive choices means knowing the financial possibilities and choosing to walk away- which myself and several other posters have done.
Even those who comment here and are still working express a desire to quit. No one is saying I will do this forever because of the money. The job sucks enough to make everyone dream of getting out.

I address all of the effects of escorting, and adjusting to the change in finances is one of them. At the same time my readers see that the negatives outweighed the money, and I chose to leave. And so have others.

Just as a recovering alcoholic remembers and misses a drink, or a former drug addict may miss the feeling of being high, escorts will miss the financial security they once had.

It doesn't mean that I support anyone doing this, or that I miss the money enough to go back. I made the choice to look at prices now, and I am happy with that choice. Just because we miss it doesn't mean we support it. We survived this industry, and can teach others how to get out too, but not unless we are completely honest.

Perhaps someone trying to leave the business who would begin to panic when money was running low or when she wanted to go shopping and would feel like she couldn't do it. Knowing others feel the same way and have made it out could help.

It is hard for people who haven't done it to understand. The job sucks. The money is awesome. That's the truth. As Joe said, There will be that little devil on your shoulder tempting you to just do it for that vacation, that new car, that whatever. Anyone would miss that freedom. But not having to sell yourself is awesome too. And feeling safe, and being honest, and starting to feel proud of yourself is awesome. It takes a long time, but it gets easier, and that wall of anger starts to come down, and that feels good too. Not having that money you are used to is a struggle, and it is a hard one, but it can be done.

To help others I feel I should address all of the issues I have experienced leaving the industry. That includes not sugar coating the adjustment to not having tons of money coming in- but being honest about it. I still miss the financial security I had, but as someone said, I have not gone back. The dangers were not worth that much money.

Post op Breast Augmentation but pissed at the John Edwards affair

2008-08-09T05:20:00.000-07:00

I am still pretty sore - post op from my breast augmentation ( they look great btw) but I had to post about John Edwards.

I cant believe another public figure has turned out to be a dog.

I mean, they must know they will be caught at some point, they are always being watched. I would love for one of the wives to stand up and say enough- he is an asshole and we are done.

But they dont. They call it a personal family issue and they stay.
Why?

Another family humiliated by the guys need to screw around.

An Escort's favorites from the I"ve Learned List

2008-08-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

I've learned---that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned---that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned---that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I've learned---that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to
help you get back up.

I've learned---that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've
learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned---that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't
related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again.
Families aren't necessarily biological.

I've learned---that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to
forgive yourself.

I've learned---that no matter how badly your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned---that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned---that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned---that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned---that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt
and you will hurt in the process.

I've learned---that your life can be changed in a matter of hours, by people who don't even know you.

I've learned---that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned---that you can keep going long after you can't.

I've learned---that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned---that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

It's a lonely road

2008-07-31T18:58:00.000-07:00

Being an escort is a very lonely way to live.

Surronded by men, but noone who really knows you. Noone who really cares about you.

Escorts lose their family and friends. We either shock them into leaving us if they find out, or we get caught up in our world of secrets and lies that we slowly block people out, until we realize we are alone. Maybe not physically, but alone.

We cant tell anyone what we do for work. We cant talk about our day, our clients. We cant share the funny or scarey stories with anyone. We cant sit down with our families and talk about how this all makes us feel.

We end up isolated, and there may be people around us, but it is different now because we cant open ourselves up to them anymore. We cant be ourselves, because we are doing something that noone wants to talk about. We cant be ourselves with our clients either. We have to perform a job, and that job is to be sweet and sexy and completely focused on him. Noone wants an angry escort, or one crying because her boyfriend beat her up.

Even after leaving the business, they are our secrets to keep. Our memories, our stories, that we cant share with people we care about.

Its loneliness. It makes you guarded, and cautious. Normal conversations, normal get togethers, become tricky. Lying gets hard, and always having to hide the truth is harder.

I get so many emails from those who have worked, just to tell me a story, just to get something off their chest and feel the relief of having been able to talk to someone. I love that they can write to me. And it breaks my heart because I know how hard it is to live that way.

Regular Work vs Escorting

2008-07-31T18:27:00.000-07:00

Of course the main difference is the money.

"Regular" work means knowing that you will work everyday, all day, for less than what you would make in a few hours escorting. Theres just no getting around it. High end escorts earn more than lawyers, doctors, and most middle class.

It takes alot of strength to leave escorting because of the financial reasons.
Alot.
I still struggle with it.
Why? Its not greed, it's because I know I can pull off escorting, and I choose not to, and in doing so, I will continue to be in debt, my children will not have a college fund, and I will survive paycheck to paycheck. Its not that I want to retire by age 35, its that I want the stability and security that came from making huge amounts of money. I want my children to have what they would have if their fathers helped me. And that is not an option working a regular job.

Yes I know it is the right thing to do. Does it make it any easier to know that? Hell no.

The other issue is one that many working girls have related to me via email. We seem to give off some vibe. Maybe it's in our heads, but I don't think it is. There is a tension with the other women. Is it jealousy? Is it that we know we are hiding something and therefore seem guarded/bitchy to the normal women? I don't know.

Then there are the guys.
The guys gawking over you,always staring- like we give off some sex vibe without knowing it. Is it the guilt? Is it knowing how much we could be charging them and they sense the possibility? Again, I don't know what it is, but we as a group feel awkward going back into normal lines of work.

Maybe it is the aftermath of the job. The guilt, the secrecy, the shame. We have such a wall up that it wouldn't be possible to be ourselves with our co-workers.
"What did you do before coming here?" Ummmm I sold myself ...
"Why do you want to work here" I really don't, but its the right thing to do....
"What skills do you think you would bring to this job" You don't want me to answer that.... :)

And then there is the time. I was so used to doing whatever I wanted all day. I worked when I wanted, and had so much free time. Now my days are accounted for. Scheduled. Wake up- get there on time, work until dark, pick up the kids, try to make dinner and say hi to them before bed, clean the house, throw in some laundry, pay some bills. I feel like a robot, just doing what I need to do day after day with no joy. I guess this is what real life is like, but after escorting, it's really hard to adjust to.

There is always the thought in the back of my head that i should just quit, I can go out once a week and earn the same amount. I miss the time I had with my kids. I miss being outside in the sun. I miss the beach. I miss the days. I feel like I was a better mother as an escort- how crazy is that?

But I wasn't. I always had to hide, and lie. And now I can be honest, and proud of what I do. I don't have to like it, I just have to do it. Kinda like escorting, but without all of the dangers of being out there.

Is it worth it? Yes, it is. It is hard and some days i want to quit, but it is worth it. I am safe, and I only have sex with the person I love, and only when i want to. Ill know I'll never be like the other women at the office, but maybe someday i wont feel so alien around them.

Porn

2008-07-28T15:56:00.000-07:00

Porn porn porn
It's everywhere, its a HUGE business. And I never really thought about it until I stopped escorting.

I never minded porn, if my boyfriend wanted to watch it, okay. I never liked the hard core stuff, but the regular movies could be a turn on.

Then I became an escort. And sex became a job. And then I could no longer imagine that the people in the porn industry enjoyed their jobs. I couldn't pretend the people on the screen cared about each other.

I've also began to ruin porn for my current boyfriend, so I have to make myself stop talking when he watches it, because there is something still cute about his innocence, his getting turned on by watching it - and I don't want to ruin that for him.

Watching porn does nothing for me now. If anything, it pisses me off.
Now I notice the woman's faces. I used to say to my boyfriend, look at her face, she is not enjoying that- it is fake. Or - Look, she is in pain, look at her face. Maybe that's the problem, guys don't really look at the women's faces. Having been there, I can see it. The empty looks at the camera. The painful winces that flash by. The slight look of resentment towards the men, towards each other.

Porn sucks once you have been bought.

It opens your eyes to things most people don't see, or choose to ignore.

I know why the women are there. They need the money, and now it is out there to be regretted and for the world to see. I cant stand the movies that don't use protection. It is so unsafe, and just so disrespectful to the women. The facial scenes make me extra sick. I feel so bad for those women. So many different people, so many risks involved.

The fake noises, the fake expressions, the weird positions women are squished into for the sake of some man on a couch at home. The multiple men at one time, the backdoor thing- its not fun, it hurts. I have never done either, but I can tell you it hurts. It is all so sad to me now to watch it being done to someone else- and thats not even beginning to address the torture videos out there.

Porn used to be fun to watch, now all i can think is I wish that guy would hurry up so she can be done. I know that is what the woman on the screen is thinking as well. Please please hurry up.

The next time you watch a xxx movie, watch her face. Tell me if you see it now or not.

Incall VS Outcall

2008-07-25T09:39:00.001-07:00

This is a tricky questions, but people keep asking me which is better, so here goes.

Ill just list a few basis pros and cons of each- you decide what would be best for you.

Incalls- Some say these are safer. You are in your own surroundings, there are no hidden dangers. You can hide protection where you need it. You can screen people upon arrival and decide whether or not to let them in. You can relax between appointments.
Never never do incalls from where you are staying. I dont care how long you have known a client or how much you trust them, any relationship can go bad, and this is not one you would want to have knowing where you live, just dont do it.
If you do get an apartment, go big. Go for where there is already alot of foot traffic so it wont be as noticeable. Try to avoid places that have alot of kids, just because.
The downside is if you get ONE LOSER to visit, as I did, you will have to move.
Hotels/Motels- A better bet, but you need to continually move. I have seen girls get comfortable at an extended stay type of thing and get busted. Also, go for the big indoor hotels, not the small ones with individual doors outside. People will notice the foot traffic.
Incalls- Never tell them the exact location until you can see them and get a vibe. Direct them to the parking lot, or street. Dont just give an address and apt number, or hotel and room number.

OUTCALLS-
Outcalls are easier because you go to them, but dangerous because you never know what you are walking into. There could be someone else in the house ( happened to me many times), weapons hidden, you get what I'm saying. Hotels are at least safer than a private residence because, to be blunt, there will be someone to hear you scream. Of course with hotels, you are noticed. There were doormen at several of the 5 star hotels that would smile each time I arrived, sometimes more than once on the same night. They notice.
Doing outcalls, hopefully you always go far enough away from where you live- you have to find something to do during the downtime. This is while working for an agency, when you are on call for the night and waiting for the next appointment. This will suck after awhile.

I preferred incall while I was working, just because i had other girls there, and a bodyguard in the next room. It was alot more fun during the downtime than sitting in a parking lot all dressed up with nowhere to go in the middle of the night. The outcalls were fun in a way because it was adventurous. It sucked because I was always afraid~ but never showed it of course :)

You have to decide what works best for you, just stay safe. Take the steps to protect yourself at all times.

2008-07-25T06:23:00.000-07:00

Quitting smoking is the most horrible, hardest, crappiest thing for me! I quit a few years ago, then started again after I started escorting. (Stress, lol)

Now I have to quit for my breast augmentation!

Its sooooo hard, I am so miserable :(

Someone explain men to me please!

2008-07-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

You would think I would get it by now- and I definately understand men alot more now than I did before-

But after watching Dateline "Catch a Predator" I was again left with WTF are they thinking?

Why why why... what is it with the teen thing?

What is the obsession with sex? I love sex- would i go after a teen boy? NFW -Would I jeapordize a relationship by cheating? Nope - Would I risk STDs and all that other good stuff- no.

What is it? Is it the naughty aspect?- Is it the not getting caught? Is it watching their faces/bodies while they are in the act? Do they feel powerful the more women they have, the younger they are?

Escorting makes you relate to the sex drive, and the empty relationships and the desire aspects, but what drives the recklessness?

Help me understand.....

Real VS Fake Boobs

2008-07-11T11:08:00.000-07:00

I have always been an adamantly opposed to fake breasts.

I don't know why. I had several friends that had gotten them done, and I just could never understand why. Why would you want to do that to yourself? For men? Ugh...

Plus I thought they looked ridiculous,and to go under the knife to get there? NFW. Why were all these women trying to look alike? We had enough Barbies roaming around, and I took a stand with Pink, making fun of all the "stupid girls"

Cutting to the chase, I am getting implants next month, thanks to a generous boyfriend obsessed with breasts.

I know, I know but before you send me a million emails trying to change my mind- listen to my reasoning. (Does my reasoning make sense to anyone who hasn't worked in the industry? lol)

Before escorting, I never thought about breast augmentation, it just never occurred to me to do something like that, it seemed absurd. The girls I knew who had it done, frankly, I teased them brutally.

You would think that escorting made me want to get them bigger, but actually the opposite is true. Most men are stereotyped as obsessed with large breasts, and yes there are some, but the truth is, the majority like real. Big, small, squishy or not, they prefer the real you. I was always small. It never affected my work as an escort, in fact I did really really well. I was me, imperfections and all, and I never had any complaints. I wasn't turned away, even though I wasn't the girl in the picture's, and my clients I had independently adored me. They knew who I was, and I had more than enough regulars.

Noone ever said I should get my boobs done
In fact, sometimes when they were complimenting me, or if i was just curious, I would ask, and the answer was 99% no. Some would even say "no please please don't. There are way to many fake girls out there, you are beautiful now" And on and on. And the constant praise and the lifestyle boosted my self esteem ( about my body anyway) and I thought I was hot. Tons of guys always telling you that will convince you. Rich guys, tough guys, sappy guys, they all told me the same thing. I was hot.

Then I stopped escorting. My boyfriend is super sweet, but he is obsessed with big boobs. At first i was like- whatever! look all you want, but after awhile, and without the constant reassurance from everyone else, I started to feel like crap. In his business he has several Huge boobed women that he chose for certain public appearances. He stares at the big boobs everywhere we go. Eventually it got to me.

I went from being the girl everyone wanted to somehow not feeling pretty enough for the one guy i chose to be with. Hmmmmm.... Ive never dated a big boob guy, my ex's all liked other things, and definitely wouldn't stare at other women whatever they liked, so I feel sooo ugly nowadays. It seems that i went from the spotlight- money, gifts, compliments- to the back of a closet surrounded by women my boyfriend would rather have.

Anyway, that's my story. I'm going to meet the surgeon next week. Ill let you know how it goes!

SugarDaddies~ A post for the ladies

2008-07-02T10:14:00.000-07:00

This one's for the girls :)
Hopefully who aren't working yet, or who are not too caught up in the lifestyle to get out.

If you need the money, and you can manage to escort, then being a Sugarbaby is a way better option than escorting.

For those that dont understand, a SugarDaddy is usually wealthy, older, and married. They are bored or arrogant, or both, and want to spoil a younger girl. Its basically the same as escorting, only safer.

A sugarbaby spends time with him, sex is usually there, but its also alot about company. They want to be around someone fun and new and interesting. Of course you have to look good, and be sweet.

That said, I think it is a way better option. Morally, its the same as escorting, dont let it get taken to a new level because you get to know each other and start to feel badly for his circumstances, he would be doing it another way if a sugarbaby wasn't around.

A good SugarDaddy will pay you an allowance, usually between 5-10,000 a month, and you agree upon how much time is spent together depending on your schedules. You go shopping, get gifts, have dinners, and of course sex. But its not a meet at a hotel and get it on kind of thing, its like fake dating without any of the emotional crap. Its business.

My sugardaddy is now my long term super fabulous boyfriend. We hit it off right away, and a few months in decided to end our "agreement" and start really dating.
I adore him, and we are very lucky, but I wouldn't go into a SD/SB agreement expecting to end up dating, its not the norm.

Like I said, most of the time they are married.

If you keep it business, it can work really well. You both get what you want and need. There are plenty of SD's out there, so don't settle for the first one you meet with. I interviewed tons of losers before i met a match. You have to connect for it to work out, or your going to go nuts.

It can be alot of fun, but i think the hard part is when feelings come into play, on either side. If it is kept as a business arrangement it is perfect. When one starts to cross the line, it can get sticky. My prior SD was awesome. Mr Ritz Carlton. He was super rich, cute, and funny. We got along great, even though he was pretty boring and arrogant towards other people, he was different with me. He made me feel like a princess,which was his job, and I helped him have fun and loosen up a little. We had amazing dates, trips, anything I wanted or mentioned he got, we had alot of fun together.
But.... then he started to want more, and I didn't. I liked our arrangement, he wanted more. It made me uncomfortable, because i did care about his feelings, but it just wasn't an option for me, and so when i would meet with him, and he would ask why or talk about different "couple" things, i would get uncomfortable. I couldn't be my happy fun self knowing I was hurting his feelings.
So it had to end.

That's my SD experience, and yes i met alot of losers along the way, the cheap ones, the want unsafe sex ones, the liars. If they mention sex at all, just like with escorting, walk away. The nice guys wont do that. There is a certain behavior that is understood, and if they mention sex just tell them to go find an escort and walk away.
Also, it is business. I would not give out my real name, or anything that could identify me. I just wouldnt do it. If he is buying a plane ticket, have him send you the money and you book it. Always keep in mind, this is not really dating, its business. There is a wife somewhere that probably wouldn't be too nice if she found out. There are guys who can be really nice, but flip when they get angry. Always stay safe, and if you have to consider escorting, i would think about finding a SD instead.

There are lots of websites set up just for this, just google sugardaddy, or email me and i can send you some.

* Oh- and not to leave out the guys completely, be careful when choosing a SB, my boyfriend has some not so funny stories about the girls before me :)

Bad dates- Naked in the halls and the crack smoker

2008-07-01T19:50:00.000-07:00

I thought id share a couple of bad date memories that come to mind. I may have mentioned some of them in previously, if so I'm sorry.

I had a two girl show with my friend at a very nice hotel. I think this was either the second or third time I went out with her. So i was still clueless. We went in and met the guy, who was very nice. He said I could stay (of course). He was married, traveling on business, the usual. We smalled talked him for awhile and pretended to drink his champagne, than proceeded to play a little. My friend and I were now in almost nothing. She batted her eyes and said "Aren't you gonna take a shower for us?" which was odd, but he did. As soon as he shut the bathroom door, she grabbed everything she could and just said "Run!"

I was like WTF?! Now I'm almost naked running after her in the hall of a 5 star hotel. She was cracking up, I was scared to death. She ran to the nearest stairwell and tossed me my clothes, dressing as she went down the stairs. I just kept saying we should go back, hes gonna kill us, hes gonna come after us- but she wasn't worried. She called the driver as we ran down the stairs and he was at the door when we came out- still shoeless.

She thought it was the funniest thing ever. I was pissed. I was embarrassed, scared, and her reason was she was bored and wanted to get out of there. I felt bad for the guy, she had taken his wallet and cell phone,and he was traveling.

Looking back it is kind of funny now, but at the time i could've killed her.

The crack guy

This one is not so funny.
I had gone on a call alone, no driver, with the agency. As soon as i pulled up to the house i had a bad vibe, but I trusted the new agency i was with. The guy didn't answer his phone, so i had to try and knock on the door, except he had a very tall fence and the handle was rusted so it was very hard to open. I couldn't do it. He came out and let me in.

When i went in, the house was gross. Not bachelor unclean gross, more like, something is not right gross. We small talked a bit and he asked if we could go for a walk to the beach, he lived next to the ocean. I said yes, thinking it would pass the hour faster, but as soon as we started i got a really bad vibe, the hair on my neck was standing up, and my head was yelling not to go, and so i told him it was too cold. He was acting strange, not nervous like a newbie, but nervous like he was trying to get away with something. We went back into the house, and usually there was a very basic order of things, small talk, money, go change and check in, and then whatever. But he wouldn't shut up, he was going a mile a minute.
So when i missed my check in call with the agency she called of course. She said to call back after i was settled. Again, i couldn't because he was pacing and talking nonstop. I tried to go use the bathroom to call the agency, but there was no door on the bathroom, in fact, there were no doors at all, only to come in. I was screwed. He lights up a crack pipe looking like thing. I don't do drugs, but this was something that i had seen in movies or on cops, and it stunk, and i was freaked.
I had met guys with drugs alot, and i never liked those conditions, but usually they were older businessmen who offered a line that i declined and never saw, this was different.
I told him i had to call in, so he wouldn't freak if he saw me on the phone. I whispered to the agency to get me out of there, because he was smoking crack. I was afraid either he would flip, or that i would get high off of the fumes (if that's possible)
She said to make the best of it, there was nothing she could do. What? WTF am i giving you half of my money for then? The other agencies always tried something to help, but she was like- sorry, your on your own.

And so i brainstormed while this crackhead paced around talking in riddles blaring porn on his tv, looking at me like he just got out of prison and telling me all the nasty things he plans to do to me.

There is no backdoor. Theres only the gate. The mind goes into survival mode, and no i wasnt in immediate danger, but i certainly wasnt going to wait around for him to do any of the things he was talking about.
I told him I needed to get an outfit out of my car. I told him how much fun we were going to have and he better be ready and blah blah blah, and i calmly smiled and walked out slowly, and i fought that fence latch as hard as i could,and when i got to the car i was shaking so hard i could hardly get the key in. I thought for sure he would jump in a car and follow me, shoot at me, something. But he didnt. I got out.

Therapy... LOL

2008-07-01T19:08:00.001-07:00

The subject of Therapy

I did cave and go a few months ago- and I quit.
Let me explain why.....

I decided to go see someone because i was going mental, wanting to work, knowing it was a bad choice, blah blah blah....

And so i found someone who had experience working with girls like me, she was very well trained. She was an older woman, very kind, she made me feel very comfortable.
Well, as comfortable as I could possibly get in that situation I suppose.

The first couple of times i met with her were fine, very casual. I hated knowing she was just letting me warm up, i hate the obvious, if that makes sense to anyone. I could see and tell what she was doing and why.

Then she began to inquire about my past. My insane family, my absent father, my childhood rapist, why i cut ties with everyone related to me. Then relationships, the abuse, the one who left me pregnant. I answered all of her questions. The issue was that I was too matter of fact for her liking. She said I seemed void of emotion, discussing such "tragedies". Well, okay but thats me, its in the past, I dont see any point in crying and feeling like crap now, what good does that do?
She said i was a boiling pot with the cover on, and eventually the emotions would boil.
Okay, i can see the analogy, but I thought it was lame. I told her i preferred not to dwell on my past, i see no good that can come of it. I live in the present.
So she agreed to put the past off for awhile. We began to talk about my current boyfriend. She did not like him, well not so much him as "us". I guess because i had met him as a sugar daddy, and he wasnt yet divorced, she just didnt think it was good. I tried to make her understand that it was because of him that i had quit escorting, and that i loved him very much and all was good, but she didnt buy it.

She thought he was controlling, based on our situation, and she said we dont do what normal couples do ( talk about kids, marriage, joint money stuff- that kind of thing) She said we were very seperate people, more like roomates. I could see why, but he is everything to me, so i really didnt want to hear it.
I just wanted her to tell me if i should go back to escorting or not.
But she wouldnt.

She told me my childhood rape had set me on a course to escorting and empty relationships. She said until i let out all the grossness of my childhood that i would stay on the path.

This was bullshit- I do not like being labeled and on a path, yes my relationships have sucked, but the escorting wasnt always there, it was a last resort.

I finally just stopped showing up. I felt really bad, i wanted to go, but i didnt want to hear anymore about my boyfriend, or my past. I just wanted her to say it was morally okay to work if i had to, and she refused to say one way or the other. She said she legally couldnt. That was a cop out to me.

It was freeing to be able to talk about escorting with someone who seemed to understand while I could. She didnt look at me with judgement, or lecture me. She said she was proud of me for being so strong. She said she had never met anyone who had been through as much as I had, who could still sit calmly and smile. She was dumbfounded she said, with how i kept myself together. Her amazement at my personality was flattering at first. I was proud- I said damn! Thats right, look at me and what ive been through and I overcame, but that lasted about 5 minutes, and while i was driving home, i started to feel bad. I started to think of how unfair life has been, and what i have been through is horrible, and maybe im not as composed as I want to pretend i am.

I think thats where she was trying to get me to go- Maybe i shouldnt have quit. Now i just have to wonder *smile*

She always said if she writes a book she would have to include my story, lets see, maybe she will write the ending for me.

The boyfriend while i worked (aka psycho)

2008-07-01T10:21:00.000-07:00

I have had extremely poor choices in men in the past, I fully admit that.

I am in a relationship now, but that's what this post is about. ( Ill write about him when i can confirm he hasn't found this blog yet)
I wanted to share with you the story of getting involved with the wrong person in this business, and the devastation that followed.

He came in as a client. He was cute and charming, but so were alot of them and i didn't think much about it. I was all set with men and dating anyway, I liked being single and wasn't looking to change that.

Anyway, he comes in again and makes a big fuss about how he couldn't wait to come back and how much he liked me and on and on. He showed me pictures of his kids, and told me his was in the military. For some reason, my friend liked him. Her number one rule was never never date a client. you just didn't do it, but she persuaded us to hang out sometime.

Now there had been much nicer, much richer, much better men that had asked me out, and it was always just "No" -so why i was dumb enough this night is one of those things ill never figure out. His persistence, her encouragement, and i guess my low self esteem and isolation was the mixture that let him into my world.

Huge mistake.

A few weeks in he quits his job. My friend then let him play bodyguard for awhile, but she feels something is not right about him. The other bodyguard agrees. They eventually banned him, and a few weeks later my friend and i had a fight, and I cut ties with her.

Now it was just him and I. It was strange, but it seemed to work. He would drive and protect me, i would pay him. We were dating, so it was strange to me that he was okay with this, but he was. Over time I learned the darker side. He wasn't just helping me, he was obsessed with the lifestyle.
He convinced me to close my business. I was so tired at that point, I was never sleeping, working crazy hours, and he was the only person i talked to, and so i agreed. He pointed out that I can make in a day what I made in a week of business. Yes he was right, but that was mistake #1.

Once I closed the business, he wanted me to work more. When i was tired and didn't feel like it, he would talk me into it. He would do all the driving and safety he said, all i had to do was the show. Easier said than done.

I ended up having to move, and had been planning for years to move across the country. I had always wanted to move there and here he was willing to go with me. It seemed like a good idea.

Once we moved, ithe spiraled downward.I never considered him a pimp at the time, and in a way he wasn't, but he was as close as you could get. He went from saying i should work more- to you have too -we need the money. He loved having me as a trophy and I always had to look perfect, even when i wasn't working.
He became obsessed with sex, he always was, but i saw it clearly now. He wanted monitors so he could listen in to the sessions. He said it turned him on. He would ask graphic details, always wanting to know more. He fantasized about men being rough with me, and he told me how much he liked to imagine this or that and wanted to be able to hear it. I was disgusted, and scared. Even my clients who knew i had a boyfriend couln't imagine how he could let me do that kind of work, if they only knew. He wanted sex before and after each client. He always wanted sex, and i would give in because he was so overpowering. He would insist until I gave in, or start a fight, and he would always make it clear that he would tell the kids what i was doing during a fight, so as strong minded as i was- he had me where he wanted me.

He masturbated listening to sessions- It was gross. Then came the swingers parties. He insisted that I accompany him because single guys couldn't get in alone. I went but i hated it. So he would go in and do whatever with whomever, i was the ice princess who made it very clear that if anyone touched me I would freak.

I didn't think it could get much worse. He was fiercely jealous of my upscale clients. He would prefer that I see 5 "normal priced" clients instead of select wealthy ones that he decided payed too much attention to me. He was obsessive, never more than a few feet away from me except when i was working. He would literally even stand outside the bathroom at home. When we argued he would threaten to kill me, or tell everyone what I was doing. He knew I needed him, for help, for protection, and he used that to get what he wanted- money, clothes, whatever he wanted he got.
I was stuck- with no family to call, no friends nearby, and across the country from anything i knew. I needed help, and so i called an old friend who convinced me i had to leave him, and she sent her male friend down to help that happen.

I thought it would be okay once he was gone. I imagined my children and I in this beautiful place, restarting my business and leaving escorting. I had several upscale clients that I had confided in, and they offered to help financially, so that I could return to normal. This was my lifelong dream, I had worked for years to get to this location, and I had found the perfect house, the perfect community.

And then the consequences of meeting him came flooding in. Once I ended it with him, the war was on in his eyes. Ultimately I lost my home, my children, had to move back across the country to get them back. He broke into my bank account and stole a ton of money. He cancelled my flights back and forth.
He called everyone I had ever know and told them what i did, and where I was. He also told me not to sleep, because he would always find me. He would call and tell me what pajamas i had been wearing so I would know he had been outside the windows. It was just insane.

He told the childrens fathers what i was doing-and then lied to make it all seem horrible.They took me to court and ordered to move back.
I was later told that his plan was to remove the kids, and he would have me to himself. I would never, ever choose a man over my children. I had to pack as much of my things as i could, to move back and regain custody of my children.

I believe that whatever piece of soul I had left was killed that day . I flew back to my dream home and just collapsed. I remember I just crumpled into a ball and sobbed harder than i ever knew possible. Everything i had worked for, everything i had done, it all hit me. My friend carried me into the house, where I lay sobbing for two days while they packed my things into a uhaul. I could not cry hard enough it seemed to ease the hurt. Then they picked me back up and put me on a plane to return home.

I had nothing. I had no home, no kids, and a $30,000 legal battle ahead to get them back.
Pretty glamorous huh?
I also didn't have a job, and so guess where I had to go, completely alone now.

I don't write this blog to play victim, or somehow justify my choices to myself, i write this in the hopes that ONE PERSON may read this and get out, or never start this kind of work. Its not worth it.

"Strong" people ( re to clifton)

2008-06-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

The readers who email me that i do not open up about myself, and respond that all escorts are egotistical and only think of their looks and money will like this post.

Your story struck me, especially from a mans point of view, because you worked hard, and did the right things, yet saw someone very different from yourself as the strong one.
Its rare to come across thinking like that. I cant help but think of you as a client I saw once that seemed angel like, as if god had said enough!- and sent someone down to release me for a brief while. This man wanted nothing from me, but looked at me with great sadness. He wanted me to relax, and not work for an hour. He wanted to give me a massage, and whatever i wanted for dinner. Under different circumstance i would've been grateful, but considering the setting, i was on guard trying to figure out his agenda.
He didn't have one, he just said he thought it would be nice to give me a break. He couldn't imagine doing that work, and it made him feel good to treat us girls sometimes he said.

Anyway- i got off track.
I related to both you and your girlfriend. I worked from age 14 on up. I had three children by 22, by two different fathers. The first was my first real boyfriend, from age 15-20. He was horribly abusive. Verbally, physically, sexually- you name it. I was spit on, hit, kicked, choked, and had bones broken. I lied to everyone about how bad it was. I was locked in the house, he would rip out the phones, it was just a nightmare. It took a year of battered woman's counseling and a total of 6 restraining orders to finally be free of him.

The other father was a long time friend that i reconnected with. He said he had always loved me throughout the years, we got engaged. He left me two weeks after i got pregnant. No one believed it, or understood, and we still don't.

I have never drank or used any drugs, I'm too afraid of addiction, but i have made every other possible bad choice there is - losing my dream home, becoming a teenage mother, homeless at times, surrounded by the wrong people, and ultimately as an escort. It wasnt strength, it was a cunning ability to do what needed to be done to survive that day.

My long winded point is- i do not consider myself strong. At all. I was weak to stay with my abuser. I left when my children were threatened. I would've stayed if i hadn't had them until he did kill me. I was weak.

I was weak in my choices, i trusted men and dreamed of the promises they made. To change, to stay, all the empty things guys say. I shouldve been strong and demanded change, demanded marriage, do things the way they are supposed to be done. But again, i was weak, and i made the wrong choices.

Escorting is really the only time i have even felt strong. I can go out and make $1000 in a few hours. I can do whatever i want with the money. I decide what we do, and if i stay. I have a bodyguard and i am invincible. lol- not really true, but i thought so at the time.

Its interesting, i guess everyone has a different idea of who is strong, is it overcoming hardships, keeping out emotions, or something else? My boyfriend now has not been thru any of the things that i have, he has had a fairly normal, well off life, yet i consider him 1000 times stronger than i am.

Why? Because he knows what he is doing, he is content, driven, goal oriented and makes good decisions. I am a timid mess who doesn't know what my goals are, what a good job for me is, and who still considers selling myself to be one of the best financial decisions i have. Strong people plan, they wait, they sacrifice for everyone. Weak people are impulsive (me) and battel to survive the consequences of their bad choices. I dont see that as strong, more selfish and reckless.

Who would you consider "strong"?

Maybe what you sense in my writing is the pretend wall of strength that I carry. If you met me in person, I could morph perfectly into whatever you expected me to be. And i could do it well. But its fake. I can be a great escort, a professional businesswoman, or a ditsy blond, but its all an act based of what i think that person would do or say, or how they would act.In reality i have no clue. If you had no agenda, and sat with me as my friends do, you would see me crumble, because i am lost.

Feeling Better because of a friend

2008-06-21T14:32:00.000-07:00

Thank you to the recent anonomous poster-

I spent the weekend with my best friend. The only real friend and family that i have. I have no contact with any of my real family members. Not one. Its for the best, but somedays I ache for a family, not mine, they sucked, but the thought of having one.

I couldve jumped off a bridge and not batted an eye a few days ago, but spending time with her helps me remember who I am, who I was, even look ahead a bit and try to see a future.

She has stood by me throught the horrible childhood, always there. I cant count the times she has picked me up from devestation. The times i had been abused, or when i was pregnant as a teenager, she was the first person i called each time. She was there when both fathers left me pregnant. She was there when i turned to escorting to make money. Never to approve or disapprove, thats what i love about her. She just listens, and tries to understand, and will stand by me no matter what my choice is.

She wont read this blog i dont think, ive banned her because i dont want her to know certain things she probably shouldnt know, but she is the best.

She has a great job, a happy marriage, and i feel like the wild one who always makes bad choices next to her, but she never makes me feel that way, she doesnt judge me or say what is best. She just lives and is truly happy. Sometimes i watch her and try to figure out how she does it. Why her husband adores her and couldnt live without her, why when a crisis arrises does she seem so calm, she doesnt go into panic mode like i do. I should be jealous in a way, but im not, maybe because she means so much to me. Ill never be married, or have a great regular job, or just have that sense of family and security that she has. But she shares it with me when i need it the most, and i am very thankful for that.

My favorite Songs

2008-06-19T19:13:00.000-07:00

Ive decided to list my favorite songs in video. Music is huge to me, i can tell someone how i feel easily with a song, but not as well with words.
I suck at real communication.

Anyway- im in a really shitty mood tonight starting this, itll perk up im sure as i update.

So here is a list of my favorites, in video form- a glimpse into my head in a way :)

:)

Thoughts about sex

2008-06-18T17:51:00.000-07:00

Before i was in the world of escorting, when I thought about it, thats all that came to mind. Sex.

Thats all escorts did, thats all the men wanted. That one word summed it up.

And of course it is, sex drives men to disregard the ones who love them. No matter how pretty or perfect a woman they have, there is a group of men who will take the chance of losing it all for sex.

Its sad, but it is what it is, it creates the business opportunity for women who otherwise wouldnt see that kind of money. Exploitation for selfishness.

Looking back, I personally cant really remember most of the sex. I dont know if i blocked it out, or if it just didnt matter to me, but when i try to think about it the actual sex isnt a clear memory.

What I remember most are the personal stories. The loneliness I saw in men, the sadness, the anger and righteousness. I cant really recall sex with my regular clients, but I remember their stories, their kindness. There was only a select few like that, most blur in my head, but those i had a weird connection with dont. Its strange to know that that was my purpose. Maybe i should hate them for using me. Maybe i should be thankful that they were kind and seemed to care about me.
I dont know.

Sex isnt a need, its a choice. For some its an obsession. Some people make it fun, and some make it suck. Some use it to express love, others anger. I used it to make money.

I envy the people that are monogamous, faithful. Their sex is special and treasured and that is something ive never known. Maybe because my first experience as a child was such a bad one, maybe that defined sex for me, i dont know. What i do know is that there are couples who choose only each other, not because they have to, but because they want to. They have no desire to be with anyone else- maybe thats what true love is?

When i talk about the places Ive had sex, and the people, and the different ways, alot of people find it exciting. They want to hear more, they want the details. Weirdness place? who was the best? worst? group sex? with a girl? Is it curiosity or a turn on?

The catch is this, be careful who you tell. Someone who thinks it is great will expect it to continue. It defines you. At first it is a relief to be able to talk to someone about it, they like it- great. But if you are dating someone, they will of course assume you will continue to do those things. Take out the money and its still all fun right? And if you don't want to? You become a prude who has somehow tricked him into being with you and now you've changed.

Sex is different for an escort, it is empty and meaningless, it is act. Men like escorts because they are openminded (they dont care), fun (whatever im getting paid) and non judgemental (they dont care) But when i quit, and started to care about my boyfriend my views changed on sex and openness. Not so great for him. I cant be a good girl with the same values as an escort. He doesnt understand this. Why cant he have sex with another girl? It was fine before....waah. For the same reason i cant go get paid for sex. Because its wrong. Because this is what people in relationships do. Its a choice. He is regretting his choices, and in turn making driving me insane.

My rock in helping me quit is showing his true colors, and his timing with me struggling to adjust to this new job sucks.

Welcome to my world, the aftermath of my escorting.

Who am I again?

2008-06-17T17:58:00.001-07:00

This is in responce to Freelance's question about the many roles we play during the day, based on what the customer wants.

How does role playing affect the real you was the question.

You play until you forget who you really are.
I think thats the answer.

In a way it is like telling a lie, and then repeating it over and over, until eventually the lie becomes the truth, but in escorting, you tell many many lies, and you pretend you are many different people, and i think thats where the line -Lose yourself- comes from.

There is a great song which fits into this topic, called "Hollywoods not America" * Video is top right of the home page.

The story is about a girl with a "restless soul" who becomes a centerfold. The lyrics include-

But once you change your name
Well the pieces fall
Now she hardly recognizes herself at all
And everybody heres, from somewhere else
You could make a million dollars, but you might lose yourself
And you can take the heat will your heart go cold
They say acting’s just pretending, even that gets old

Its true, how can you pretend to be so many different people not forget who you really are?

As far as the day to day role playing, sometimes it was fun, exciting, sometimes it was scary or boring. Some men would be pretty open about what kind of role they wanted played, but most of the time it was about reading people. Their personality, clues you pick up from talking with them. It was strange to never know what would be expected of me going in to a new call, and it was confusing seeing a regular because i never knew what story i had told them on a previous visit. Was I still a student, waitress, dancer? Did I have children or not? A boyfriend? I could never remember. If i got caught in a lie i would just laugh, I mean - I was their escort, did they really expect to get to know the real me?

Its also empowering. You can change your name. You can pretend to be a sweet angelic girl just trying to get by, or a sex machine who does it because she loves the sex.

Some of the roles i was asked to play included stepdaughter coming home from school, scared woman who knows there is a peeping tom outside watching her, student, business partner, most wanted the kind, gentle act but there were a few who wanted me to make them feel bad. This i had alot of trouble with. Even in my escorting prime, when i hated men most, i couldnt bring myself to belittle or hit anyone.

Oh well, i did what i could.

So at the end of the night, my head would be spinning. Sometimes with funny stories and sometimes with disguist, but still spinning. And then you go out into the real world, and you pretend to be "normal" Lying about your job, what you do, where youve been. I felt like I was two different people, and in fact I was, and at night, I was a hundred different people.

Now im trying to figure out who I am. When i quit, i said being an escort is not who i am, its what i do. Now I am trying to find the person who was content to sit at home, who didnt feel the money loss by just relaxing. I cant. I want to be the person who could save money for something, instead of getting angry and careless because i know what i could do to get what i want in an hour, and i cant find her either. I used to be a great mom, and I still am, but there will always be a secret there that i hope they never find out.

I guess playing the many roles is similiar to what non working people do, they act confidently when they need to, or act happy when they are sad when they want to hide that. But the difference is its for a short time, its clear to them when they stop it is over, and for some of us who have worked in this industry, it never stops.
We will always have to pretend we dont work as escorts, or pretend we are fine with it, or pretend we are fine now that its over, but its still an act.

Im not sure when it stops, and if you ever get back to who you were, or when you finally stop and know who you are now.

To Todd

2008-06-17T17:50:00.000-07:00

Thanks for writing me. Im not sure what kind of a script you are writing, but hopefully its not another story that glamourizes escorting and convinces another teenager that it looks pretty good, so why not- because i really think theres enough of that out there.

But hey- i can only hope, the story will be what it is.

Let me know if you have any questions, ill answer you honestly without getting too personal.

I guess the most important thing to realize is that no matter what you see, or how many working women you interview, if you pay close attention and look past the fake smiles and the money and the stuff, they dont really want to be doing it.

Best wishes and good luck with your script.

A quick update

2008-06-17T09:19:00.000-07:00

Hello, I just wanted to post a quick hello, I have been neglecting my blog because i do have a new "regular" job, and have been feeling like total crap ( not sick- just bummed out) adjusting to my new lifestyle.

I have gotten alot of great emails i look forward to answering, and alot of stories i want to share, i think i have shy'd away from posting so as to not seem like an advocate for the job, because thats not why I started this blog.

Its very hard to not want to go back when you work 40hrs a week for less than you made when you were 18. Its disguisting.

Anyway, before i go off into a rant, i hope everyone is well. I will start blogging and answering some of your emails very soon, i promise :)

Basic Rules

2008-05-08T18:48:00.000-07:00

I thought id post some of the basics- for those curious or those still working

Here is what Ive learned-

Always screen clients. Its your best chance at avoiding the psychos.
You can either make them give out their personal info, and trust me, the pros will not have a problem with this- look at the mayor and Charlie Sheen.
Get in with a few other girls in your area, and ask each other to reference the client, or ask the man for a prior girls info so you can check with her.
Some girls dont like this, but oh well- everyones just trying to be safe.

There are also a few sites where "good/bad" guys are listed, but I dont trust them, its too easy for them to join and review themselves.

Always bring a driver or friend if possible.

If not, always let someone know where you are going and check in when you get there. Have them call you if you dont check in by a certain time.
*Important- Tell the guys someone will be with you waiting outside-even if theres not- this weeds out the dangerous guys right away. Yes some are concerned for their safety and dont want anyone with you, but screw them, your safety is what matters.

Try to carry some kind of pepper spray, alarm, something. Keep it close. Dont throw it in the bottom of a purse and expect to have time to get to it if you need it- it will be too late.

Keep your cell phone in your hand with the number last dialed of whomever you would be calling- be it 911, your driver, friend, police, whatever. Keep it at least until you feel comfortable with the person.

Never talk about sex. Period. If he does- leave.

Always collect your money first- dont be "polite" It should be in an envelope out in the open for you as a gift. You are being paid for your time- dont wait until the end and be surprised.

Dont count your money out in the open.

Trust your senses completely. They are always right. If it doesnt feel right, then something is wrong. Maybe he is overly nervous, or maybe he is planning to kill you. Dont take the chance, its not worth it.

When going into a new place, always note another exit. Map it in your head in case you need to run.

Pay attention. Listen for strange noises. Watch him for odd behavior. Ive discovered other people hiding in the house, clients doing drugs, tons of creepy stuff that could have ended badly. Pay attention to everything around you.

Appear confident. If your not- fake it. I was the most timid girl in real life, but i was very confident and strong when i needed to be. Fake it. They dont know you, just what they see. So be strong, its may be just an act, but it works.

Men can be complete pigs. If they think they can get away with something they will try. Dont do anything you dont want to do. Dont let them pursuade you into something your not comfortable with- threaten to leave. They will stop asking once they see you are serious about leaving.

Dont drink or do any drugs. You need to be thinking clearly. Your life could depend on a split second decision.

Think, think, think. I have gotten out of quite a few bad situations by thinking and talking my way out. We dont stand a chance physically.

Be so careful who you let into your world. Men easily turn into pimps- even if they dont start out that way. Friends can turn on you- do you really want everyone knowing what you do? Think of who knows what, and choose carefully. Who you let in will have tremendous power over you- public humiliation, blackmail, they know your ads, your agency, your clients. You have to trust some people, just choose them carefully. Ive seen friends turn on friends, boyfriends turn on girls, family destroy family.

Thats all for now, if you have any specific questions- shoot me an email :)
blog.amber@gmail.com

Stay safe

‘D.C. Madam’ commits suicide- Tragic

2008-05-01T16:30:00.000-07:00

updated 2 hours, 40 minutes ago
TARPON SPRINGS, Fla. - The woman convicted of running a high-end Washington prostitution ring that snagged a senator killed herself Thursday, police said, weeks after she was convicted on charges she vowed not to go to prison for.

The body of Deborah Jeane Palfrey, 52, was found in a shed near her mother's manufactured home about 20 miles northwest of Tampa. Police said she left at least two suicide notes and other writings to her family in a notebook, but they did not disclose their contents. The mother found Palfrey, who had apparently hanged herself with nylon rope from the shed's ceiling.

A man who answered a phone listed for Palfrey's mother declined to comment. But defense attorney Preston Burton, who represented Palfrey in her criminal trial that ended last month, said: "This is a tragic news and my heart goes out to her mother."

Palfrey's 76-year-old mother immediately called 911.

"Obviously the mother's very distraught, discovering your child in that state," said Capt. Jeffrey Young of the Tarpon Springs Police Department. Young added that Blanche Palfrey had no indication her daughter was depressed to the point of being suicidal. There's no early indication that alcohol or drugs were involved in the death, he said.

Authorities said Blanche last spoke to her daughter earlier that morning, telling Deborah Palfrey she planned to take a quick nap.

Young said the FBI was notified about the death, "due to the ongoing cases we knew Ms. Palfrey had in the Washington area," but they are not investigating.

'This is a real bad tragedy'
Erwin Matthews, 73, who lives five houses down from Palfrey's mother in a community of mostly retirees, said he and his girlfriend heard Blanche Palfrey screaming around 10:30 a.m.

"She said: 'My daughter's hanging there by herself,'" Matthews recalled. "That's when everybody went running over there. This is a real bad tragedy."

Palfrey was convicted April 15 by a federal jury of running a prostitution service that catered to members of Washington's political elite, including Sen. David Vitter, a Louisiana Republican. She had denied her escort service engaged in prostitution, saying that if any of the women engaged in sex acts for money, they did so without her knowledge.

She was convicted of money laundering, using the mail for illegal purposes and racketeering.

But the trial concluded without revealing many new details about the service or its clients. Vitter was among possible witnesses, but he did not take the stand.

Channing Phillips, the spokesman for the U.S. attorney's office in the District of Columbia, said that under sentencing guidelines, Palfrey faced 57 to 71 months in prison. She was free pending her sentencing July 24.

"I am sure as heck am not going to be going to federal prison for one day, let alone, you know, four to eight years here, because I'm shy about bringing in the deputy secretary of whatever," Palfrey told ABC last year when she released phone records that revealed some of her clients. "Not for a second. I'll bring every last one of them in if necessary."

Prosecutors said Palfrey operated the prostitution service for 13 years.

Vitter: 'Very serious sin'
Vitter, a first-term senator who is married and has four children, has acknowledged being involved with Palfrey's escort service and has apologized for what he called a "very serious sin." But he avoided commenting further.

Besides Vitter, the trial also concluded without the testimony of military strategist Harlan Ullman or Randall Tobias, a former senior State Department official. Both men had been named among possible witnesses.

One of the escort service employees was former University of Maryland, Baltimore County, professor Brandy Britton, who was arrested on prostitution charges in 2006. She committed suicide in January before she was scheduled to go to trial.

Last year, Palfrey said she, too, was humiliated by her prostitution charges, but said: "I guess I'm made of something that Brandy Britton wasn't made of."

Nevada Brothels- Legalizing a good idea?

2008-04-25T15:16:00.000-07:00

'It's like you sign a contract to be raped'
by Julie Bindel; Friday September 7 2007 - The Guardian
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2007/sep/07/usa.gender

There is only one place in the US where brothels are legal, and that's Nevada - a state in which prostitution has been considered a necessary service industry since the days when the place was populated solely by prospecters. There are at least 20 legal brothels in business now. Not so many, you might think, but these state-sanctioned operations punch above their weight in PR terms.

Take HBO's hit documentary series, Cathouse, which features the most famous of the Nevadan brothels, the Moonlight Bunny Ranch. Tune in and you'd be forgiven for thinking that all prostitutes in Nevada are on to a good thing. The women speak coyly about loving their work, their customers, their bosses. "The series sheds light not only on the numerous joys and challenges of working at a legal brothel," says the HBO website, "but on the therapeutic benefits that customers take with them after a stint at the Ranch."

Given such great PR, a new book - Prostitution and Trafficking in Nevada: Making the Connections, - makes interesting reading. During a two-year investigation, the author, Melissa Farley, visited eight legal brothels in Nevada, interviewing 45 women and a number of brothel owners. Far from enjoying better conditions than those who work illegally, the prostitutes she spoke to are often subject to slave-like conditions.

Described as "pussy penitentiaries" by one interviewee, the brothels tend to be in the middle of nowhere, out of sight of ordinary Nevadans. (Brothels are officially allowed only in counties with populations of fewer than 400,000, so prostitution remains an illegal - though vast - trade in conurbations such as Las Vegas.) The brothel prostitutes often live in prison-like conditions, locked in or forbidden to leave.

"The physical appearance of these buildings is shocking," says Farley. "They look like wide trailers with barbed wire around them - little jails." The rooms all have panic buttons, but many women told her that they had experienced violent and sexual abuse from the customers and pimps.

"I saw a grated iron door in one brothel," says Farley. "The women's food was shoved through the door's steel bars between the kitchen and the brothel area. One pimp starved a woman he considered too fat. She made a friend outside the brothel who would throw food over the fence for her." Another pimp told Farley matter-of-factly that many of the women working for him had histories of sexual abuse and mental ill-health. "Most," he said, "have been sexually abused as kids. Some are bipolar, some are schizophrenic."

Then there is the fact that legal prostitutes seem to lose the rights ordinary citizens enjoy. From 1987, prostitutes in Nevada have been legally required to be tested once a week for sexually transmitted diseases and monthly for HIV. Customers are not required to be tested. The women must present their medical clearance to the police station and be finger-printed, even though such registration is detrimental: if a woman is known to work as a prostitute, she may be refused health insurance, face discrimination in housing or future employment, or endure accusations of unfit motherhood. In addition, there are countries that will not permit registered prostitutes to settle, so their movement is severely restricted.

Those who support the system claim that the regulations may help prevent pimping, which they see as a worse form of exploitation to that which occurs in brothels. According to Farley's research though, most women in legal brothels have pimps outside anyway, be they husbands or boyfriends. And, as Chong Kim, a survivor of prostitution who has worked with Farley, says, some of the legal brothel owners "are worse than any pimp. They abuse and imprison women and are fully protected by the state."

The women are expected to live in the brothels and to work 12- to 14-hour shifts. Mary, a prostitute in a legal brothel for three years, outlines the restrictions. "You are not allowed to have your own car," she notes. "It's like [the pimp's] own little police state." When a customer arrives, a bell rings, and the women immediately have to present themselves in a line-up, so he can choose who to buy.

Sheriffs in some counties of Nevada also enforce practices that are illegal. In one city, for example, prostitutes are not allowed to leave the brothel after 5pm, are not permitted in bars, and, if entering a restaurant, must use a back door and be accompanied by a man.

So how did Farley gain access to her interviewees? Those in control of the women were confident that they would not be honest about the conditions, she says. "Pimps love to brag, and I know how to listen," she adds. Although left alone with the women during interviews, Farley noted that they were all very nervous, constantly looking out for the brothel owners.

Investigating the sex industry - even the legal part - can be dangerous. During one visit to a brothel, Farley asked the owner what the women thought of their work. "I was polite," she writes in her book, "as he condescendingly explained what a satisfying and lucrative business prostitution was for his 'ladies'. I tried to keep my facial muscles expressionless, but I didn't succeed. He whipped a revolver out of his waistband, aimed it at my head and said: 'You don't know nothing about Nevada prostitution, lady. You don't even know whether I will kill you in the next five minutes.'"

Farley found that the brothel owners typically pocket half of the women's earnings. Additionally, the women must pay tips and other fees to the staff of the brothel, as well as finders' fees to the cab drivers who bring the customers. They are also expected to pay for their own condoms, wet wipes, and use of sheets and towels. It is rare, the women told Farley, to refuse a customer. One former Nevada brothel worker wrote on a website: "After your airline tickets, clothing, full-price drinks and other miscellaneous fees you leave with little. To top it off, you are ... fined for just about everything. Fall asleep on your 14-hour shift and get $100 [£50] fine, late for a line-up, $100-500 in fines." (The women generally negotiate directly with the men over the money; what they get depends on the quality of the brothel. It can be anything from $50 for oral sex to $1,000 for the night, but that doesn't take account of the brothel's cut.)

Farley found a "shocking" lack of services for women in Nevada wishing to leave prostitution. "When prostitution is considered a legal job instead of a human rights violation," says Farley, "why should the state offer services for escape?" More than 80% of those interviewed told Farley they wanted to leave prostitution.
The effect of all this on the women in the brothels is "negative and profound," according to Farley. "Many were suffering what I'd describe as the traumatic effects of ongoing sexual assaults, and those that had been in the brothels for some time were institutionalised. That is, they were passive, timid, compliant, and deeply resigned."

"No one really enjoys getting sold," says Angie, who Farley interviewed. "It's like you sign a contract to be raped."

Meanwhile, illegal brothels are on the increase in Nevada, as they are in other parts of the world where brothels are legalised. Nevada's illegal prostitution industry is already nine times greater than the state's legal brothels. "Legalising this industry does not result in the closing down of illegal sex establishments," says Farley, "it merely gives them further permission to exist."

Farley found evidence, for example, that the existence of state-sanctioned brothels can have a direct effect on attitudes to women and sexual violence. Her survey of 131 young men at the University of Nevada found the majority viewed prostitution as normal, assumed that it was not possible to rape a prostitute, and were more likely than young men in other states to use women in both legal and illegal prostitution.
The solution, Farley believes, is to educate people about the realities of legalised abuse of women. "Once the people of Nevada learn of [prostitutes'] suffering and emotional distress, and their lack of human rights, they, like me, will be persuaded that legal prostitution is an institution that just can't be fixed up or made a little better. It has to be abolished." The prevailing attitude in Nevada remains as it was a few centuries back though - that men have sexual "needs" that they have a right to fulfil. Outside one of the legal brothels a sign reads: "He who hesitates, masturbates."
Some names have been changed.

Response to Davids Email

2008-04-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

Amber --
Thanks for your replying to my article -- and I have checked out your blog. Its really well done. I wrote (can't recall to which post) that I wondered what you thought about social policy per sex workers -- should it be decriminalized?, what do you think about arresting johns?, etc.
Best,
David

Hi David,

Good questions.

When I was working, I would have definately said decriminalize. I believed that would allow women to be able to call for help and not fear the police response. Lets face it, its an issue not being able to call for help, and the mean men take advantage of that.

Iv'e always felt that the Johns should be arrested as well. Thats just not fair.

But... Having stopped working and discovering there is so much more involved, I would say no.

Legalization only makes it official that a womans body is something that can be sold, it sends a message to men that we are objects to purchase and use, not people but things.
Legalization promotes sex trafficing. Its terrible the amount of women and children being traded for sex, legalizing would only creat more demand, and a safe environment for the trafficers to work from.

I dont know the exact stats, but Nevada has a substancially higher rape rate than the other states. Why? If the men can go buy it anytime, why take it? I think its because legalization has taken the person out of the equation, so sex can be taken, just like everything else on the store shelves.

Id like feedback on the BENEFITS of legalization, if anyone knows any.

A Great article on this subject

Taken from the article above:
Prostitution is often referred to as the “world’s oldest profession.” This phrase implies that people, women especially, willingly choose to be prostitutes. People usually choose professions to further their ambitions or use their aptitudes and gifts. Prostitution is not a profession; it is the exploitation of a human being.
Imagine career day at an elementary school: a doctor, a fireman and a prostituted woman. This could be the scene at a school in the Netherlands, Germany, Australia or Belgium. Little Sally and Johnny could be taught that letting their bodies be used as vehicles for pleasure and pain is a valid career path. Servicing up to 20 or 30 clients a day could be a way to save for their futures. Would any of us want our kids making this their chosen profession? Neither should we perpetuate this myth that it is the “world’s oldest profession.”

"Anyone who considers legalizing prostitution as a solution to sexual trafficking or poverty should be required to learn what prostitutes endure," said Wendy Wright, representing Concerned Women for America. "No one wants their daughter to grow up to be sexually abused, so we shouldn't legitimize the abuse of other people's daughters."

Response to Johnnys email

2008-04-24T11:56:00.000-07:00

I am Internet Savvy, so dont answer alot of emails directly. Sorry :) I'll share and answer home here when I can.

Amber,
Good afternoon. I met a woman over the weekend and we have truly enjoyed each others time very much. Last night, she confided in me that she was, and will be again, an escort to help medical issues that both she and her father have. I've been involved in the business before as a bodyguard for a very close friend who worked and know it is a business, not an enjoyment, and look at it from that perspective of her not having any other place to turn to. I realize that I hardly know this woman and she barely knows me but I'd like for us to continue on the path of discovering each other but there is a difference between a friend who I know is single and the woman I'm seeing going to work. She said she would only work for about two weeks to make enough money and then be done with it.

It is her life and her choice, but as a humanist who does truly care about other people, I want to help her. I've never been in this situation before. I have a regular 8-5 job, but also want to get back into bodyguarding as I did enjoy making my friend laugh and smile after a call, hopefully lifting her spirits. Strictly from a business perspective, is this an option she and I should discuss? Would it be better to put it behind me while hoping and trying for the best? Should I even bring it up?

Thank you for writing and I hope your life is improving. Best of luck in your new life.

-Johnny

Dear Johnny,
I cant see her sharing that with you having just met you- but putting my suspicions aside-

I guess it would depend on what you want the result to be. Do you want to help her- or help her work?

Are you just trying to make money off of her for yourself?

I can tell you this, its not for just two weeks. She will do it for the two weeks, and then something else will come up, and she will do it again. And again.

Do you want to help her leave the industry, or was your question asking if you should offer your services to her?

If that's the case, and you aren't trying to get her to stop, then go ahead and offer to be her bodyguard. I'm sure she could use someone if she doesn't already have one.

Just remember Johnny, if she goes down, so do you. Police aren't just watching the rooms, they watch who is dropping her off as well.

-Good luck!
Amber

An example of Bad Consequences

2008-04-22T13:07:00.001-07:00

I've decided to post a story of the bad consequences I encountered as a result of working as an escort.

Its not a story of violence or fear, its about what you can lose.

This is probably a recount of the most painful time in my life, and Ive been thru alot, but this was the worst for me.

I write this as a reminder to myself why I am trying not to go back, because its pretty damn tempting right now.

I had been escorting for about 6 months. In my opinion i was a pro. I knew the game, i knew it all... Nothing could stop me.

I worked with a client who became my boyfriend, then driver and then basically turned into what closely resembled a pimp.

I had always dreamed of moving far away, to somewhere warm and sunny and perfect, and so with all my money, and my boyfriend - I did.

I found the perfect house in the perfect community and I couldn't have been happier. It was the exact place i had dreamed of, the place i wanted to raise my children and grow old. I cant describe how much I loved it there and how happy i was.

I was supposed to get a normal job, and so was my boyfriend. But we needed money, and he decided me escorting and him helping me was a much better choice than him getting a job.

And so i did. I signed on with an agency and I also worked on my own, with a select few regulars that I trusted. I hired a couple sitters to watch the kids, and noone knew anything.

I didn't realize my boyfriend was a psychopath.

Long story short, I made him mad. We argued for a couple days and we worked it out, kinda. I was somewhat afraid of him and very far away from anyone I knew, so I tried to make it work. He wasn't right though. He pretended everything was fine and I accepted that.

Then the kids had a visit with their father. I flew them to him and got a call the next day from the courts. My boyfriend, i found out , had called the kids father and told him what I did for work, and in case that wasn't bad enough, proceeded to fill in a bunch of lies that the kids were uncared for and alone and all kinds of crap. A judge ordered an emergency hearing. I walked in and didn't deny being an escort, they had pictures my boyfriend had provided from my website.

The judge amazingly defended my work, but didn't want me doing it so far away from home, where there was noone for the kids if something happened to me.

In case that wasn't enough, my boyfriend also called everyone I was hiding from and informed them where i was and what I was doing. Then tried to cancel my plane tickets so i would miss court, and on and on...

I lost the kids. I was ordered to move back to their home state. I had two days to pack up my dream house and get back.

I was told that my boyfriends plan was to get rid of the kids, and then he would have me all to himself. I guess he didn't know that wasn't an option for me- I would've moved to Alaska if that's what i had to do to keep them.

Its hard to tell the story and not have it be way too long. He was truly crazy. I lost everything i had worked for and ever dreamed of. My children were devastated to not be able to go home. I cant describe how I felt, it was the most insane heartache i had ever felt. My kids had been hurt, i lost my home, my dreams, my boyfriend, everything at once. I went into some kind of state of shock to get thru it.

Once back, i had to come up with $20,000 for legal fees to reverse the judges order. Guess what I had to do?

A pretty nasty set of consequences for working as an escort. Not only was I betrayed by someone i trusted, and lost everything, I had to come back and face everyone knowing what I did.

My best friend thru all of this admires me. Whenever someone complains about life too much she tells the story and it shuts them up. She says she cant believe i made it thru that. She helps me remember because I was in such a state of shock, but she says I just cried. I just sat and stared and cried, and got up and worked and went to court and did what i had to do to get thru it.

I do need to say that during this, the girls where I worked rallied for me. I had never met most of them, yet they called and emailed support constantly. They offered to help with money, or moving. Almost all of them had either had something similar happen, or knew someone who had. The women were fiercely protective when it came to privacy or kids, there was no competition or sneering, they were all amazing.
* Thank you girls

I miss everything I had there. I miss it I miss it I miss it.

So as i sit here in my safe house, with my kids and my normal boyfriend, I know that I am lucky, and I am thankful.

A Poem I wrote a few months after I started escorting

2008-04-21T17:19:00.000-07:00

I thanked god for my kids
As i tucked them in bed
I gave them their teddies
Kissed them on their heads

I put on my makeup
And packed up my bag
I said bye to the sitter
Ill be late- don't be mad

I drove to the city
I changed on the way
A dress and some heels
Its the same everyday

I visit their rooms
I know the routine
Get in and get out
and try not to be seen

Collect all the money
put on a good show
They think i enjoy this
How can they not know

They may use my body
But they don't touch my soul
They don't know my name
Or my dreams or my goals

They don't know my babies
Home sleeping in bed
As my friends sit and hope
That I wont end up dead

So I do what i do
and i pay what i can
And ill go right back out
Cause the rents due again

I wonder if god
Still hears what I say
Keep me safe, keep me safe
Is all I can pray

I remember before this
It wasn't always this way
I didn't think he would hit me
And i thought he would stay

I thought we could make it
and I tried what I could
And when it was time
I did what i should

I may be an escort
But my babies don't know
They have toys and good food
And a safe place to grow

I cant hear what their saying
I cant feel what they do
I'm in a place far away
And I wait till they're thru

I work as an escort
I'm not proud, but i do
Don't judge me too harshly
But thank god its not you

Tough Choices

2008-04-21T12:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I cant decide whats best right now, to post the bad stories to keep me from working, or the good ones to make me feel better if i have to go back out. I've applied everywhere and will continue to do so, but its kind of a joke.

My resume isn't exactly shooting me to the top of the applicant list, and with the economy the way it is, I'm not hoping for a career, I'm hoping some company needs help bad enough to take me on and rich enough to pay me enough to maintain.

And then it really comes down to - Do I really want this?
Do I really want to live like this when I can fix it?

Yes, escorting sucks, but the reason we do it is for the money, and if i went back i could pay off alot and be able to know I could get a normal job and make enough after my debt is paid. Its my choice, I could go out tonight and start again. In a few months i could be debt free, with some money put away, and not feel like such a basket case. I could start a college fund for the kids. I could go on the vacation i just cancelled. I could do alot.

But then why stop there? Why not go back to the life where i had no debt, tons of money, vacation and shopping all the time...

This is what happens I guess...

Right now it comes down to my boyfriend- and I can express my relationship dilemmas here because my boyfriend has promised not to read this blog for my privacy. And so even if he is ( and i bet you are ) he cant say anything because he would be breaking his promise.

I stopped working when i started dating him. He cared more about me than i cared about myself, or as some professionals would say, maybe i benefited him more by not working. We have a great relationship, in our own way. I usually only date borderline psychotics who cant get enough of me,who want marriage and babies- but he is the opposite. He's the one not wanting more, and maybe I choose this relationship because its more realistic, its more real. Its not so mushy and fake. Okay- whatever. Not exactly a fairy tale, but we have a great time together and I love him.

The question would be why did I put off being financially secure for someone who isn't totally into me?

My shrink is having a great time with this one- she really is, and as much as i have enjoyed bantering back and forth with her, i believe i have to cut ties with her due to the possibility of working again. I don't want her to know.

Where was I? Oh- Why quit for a relationship that keeps me at arms length?

Maybe it was because i really wanted to quit, and just needed someone to say it was okay.
Maybe I needed to be girly and believe in love for a little while.
But after time even that faded, no marriage for us and a bunch of signs that say he's on his way to the next one- it stung when we had the marriage talk, but I knew deep down. It just made me have to face what i knew all along.
I'm not one of those "adore till you die" girls :) Im the middle girl, the until you meet mrs right or the next one who batts her eyes at you.

Its okay tho, we cant all be on the PTO stay at home moms with the rich husbands maintaining our lifestly as long as we let them run around all they want. Isn't that just another form of prostitution btw? But who cares- Besides, we arm candy girls have alot more fun, and we arent blind to what our guys are doing.

I guess this would be part of the reason escorting made sense. Escorting lets you embrace reality and take away the heartache that regular relationships bring.
Sex, money, no need to lie, we both know whats going on.
Simple.

Maybe that's why girls like me are able to pull it off, we've been hurt so much that it really doesn't matter anymore.

But right now I'm not going to escort. Call me stubborn, or stupid, or smart, depending on your view of it all. Right now i will continue to drive myself crazy trying to make it in a world where the odds are stacked against me- Ill either get tired of it or run out of money and lose the choice, whichever comes first.

Uh oh... Here we go again!

2008-04-18T12:15:00.000-07:00

Well, I officially have about two weeks left of my "regular" job that Ive had since I quit escorting. Ive been applying everywhere for a new job that would allow me to earn enough to not have to go back, but its not looking good.

I know i might sound like a total hypocrite- but I am not changing my view on escorting. It sucks. Noone should have to do it. I will try my hardest to avoid it if at all possible, but I know it might come down to me doing it again to get back on my feet until something good comes along.

I cant let everything fall apart, and I was blessed to have made it a year without working. It was hard! Like ive said, you get used to the money, so its a big adjustment when you stop. You have to give up alot, and it sucks. But so does escorting :)

Anyway, thats my blog today.

My first time

2008-04-13T17:36:00.001-07:00

I'm going to get personal here :)

This is a brutally honest recap of my very first time. My intro to the world of being an escort.

I was in a financial crisis. I had to make money fast or my life with my children would have crumbled. I worked from home, was a single mother of three small children, and I hit hard times. I couldn't lose my home, and with it my job.

I had a friend who worked as an escort. I was talking to her one day about my financial trouble, and she suggested I try it. She said even if I hated it I would be able to get on my feet financially pretty quickly. I didn't have a choice, and so I said I would do it.

This decision was gut wrenching for me. I was not a promiscuous person. At all. I had only had serious long term relationships, and sex was a taboo subject even in my relationships. I was very very shy, and to be honest didn't really like sex. It was usually an issue dating, i was raised strictly catholic, and that played a big part in my feelings toward sex as well.

And so the day came. My friend picked me up. We were going to her in call location. I didn't think to dress up, i had no idea, so she teased me for being in jeans and a tee shirt. When we got there I went in. She had another friend there, a small busty blond girl with the same attitude as herself, which i can only describe as hard. The girl looked me up and down and said " What the f** is she doing here?" My friend explained she is here to try, she needs some money, and the girl sneered at us both. "She doesn't belong here- look at her- you think miss goody f**ing two shoes is going to be able to do this?"

My friend put her back in her place, but I felt sick to my stomach. My mind raced, i felt dizzy. I wanted to run out the door, but I was stuck. I had to make some money, and I was already here. I had to go through with it. I kept saying that I wasn't going to ba able to do it, my friend reminded me of my kids, she said "you have to", and i knew she was right.

They took my into the bedroom, where they had every kind of sexy outfit you could imagine. There were piles of lingerie, tiny skirts, boots, stripper heels, costumes. My friend picked out a skirt and half shirt and told me to put it on. I made her leave the room. I looked at myself in the mirror, " I look ridiculous" was all i could think. I had never dressed like this.

Then they did my hair and makeup, I felt sicker with each passing moment, but I was determined to do this. Once they thought I looked acceptable, it was time to begin. They turned on their phones, pulled out their laptops and posted their ads online. This was how they let their customers know they were open for business.

They started answering their phones, and soon someone was on the way to see the other girl. They watched out the window for the man to arrive, judging him before he even got out of his car. They went on vibes, if they didn't like his look, they didn't answer the door.

So in he comes and they wisk him by me and into the room with her friend. Their voices went up in this super fake sweet voice, she goes in the room, comes right back out. They explain that you collect the money and let him get comfortable. I didn't know what that meant. Then she disappears into the room. I feel like was going to throw up.

A short time later she comes out of the room, plops down on the couch and sticks a piece of gum in her mouth. " He was easy" she said. I just smiled at her. She made it seem so easy.

They did this a few more times, and after a couple times they would ask if i was ready yet for the next guy coming in. I would shake my head no. The next two men that arrived were introduced to me. " This is the new girl- isn't she cute? Do you want her today?" "Umm Yea sure" But i shook my head no.

I looked at the men in disgust. Who were these people. What kinds of men did this? Didn't they feel awful? Didn't they feel dirty? No- they didn't. They came in chatting and left smiling and happy, making plans for their next visit. One hopped in the shower before he left, on his way back to work.

I could only put it off for so long. My friend had a regular customer on his way. She said " He will be a good first for you, he's not so bad looking, he's a really nice guy, and I already told him about you and he wants to see you"

" I don't think I can" I said
" You have to" she said

I went into bathroom and tried not to throw up. I wanted to cry but didn't want to ruin the makeup they had put on me. I looked in the mirror and reminded myself why i was here. I was determined to make it, and so i gave myself a tough love kind of speech. " Stop being such a god damn baby- you ll be fine- stop thinking about it and just do it- jesus"

He arrived. I smiled and said hello and my friend took him to the room and collected the money from him for me. She came out and handed me 4 $100 bills. "This is yours, see? You can do this. Just go in there and pretend he is your boyfriend." I couldn't do it- my head was spinning, i felt sick, and I didn't know what to say. She grabbed my arm and burst us into the room. " Here she is, remember this is her first time, so be extra nice to her" and she turned and left. I stood there awkwardly, I had no idea what to say or do. He came right over to me, grabbed my ass, swooped me up in a bear hug and plopped me on the bed. It scared the shit out of me. He was so forward and bold.

He kissed my neck, took off my shirt, kissed some more. I felt as if i was outside of my body watching this. It is hard to describe how foreign it felt. He continued doing what he wanted. I didn't really so anything. I watched him undress, i watched him touching me and I just kept telling myself " Its almost done, Its almost done, its almost done" I remember hating the feeling of his hands on me, the weight of his body on top of me. I wanted to scream and push him off of me. His skin on mine disgusted me.

Eventually it was done. He stood there and said " That was great- it wasn't so bad for you was it?" I shook my head no and smiled. Inside I wondered how he couldn't tell what I was thinking, " Yes, it was f*** disgusting you nasty piece of shit, i hate you".

The girls looked at me with what I can only describe as a mixture of pride and sadness. They were glad that I was able to do it, like i just joined some secret society and they were happy to have me. At the same time they were sad for me. They came and sat with me and asked if i was alright. The bitchy friend got me a drink and lit me a cigarette. My friend reassured me that it was ok, it was done. You have $400 now. It had maybe been 15 minutes.

My friend drove me home, all the way asking if i was alright, how I felt, was I going to be ok. She told me that after her first time she went into a kind of shock, and was fine until the next day and then she broke down. I felt as bad for her as I did for myself, i couldn't imagine how she did this all the time, but she said the first time is the worst. It gets easier. I smiled, and reassured her i was fine. I wasn't, but i didn't want to admit it.

She dropped me off and I smiled and waved goodbye to convince her i was ok. I ran into the bathroom and threw up, ripping my clothes off while i vomited so i could get into the shower as fast as possible. I scrubbed and scrubbed myself with the water as hot as I could get it. I was in a rage- scrubbing trying to make the feelings in my stomach go away. I eventually slumped into a ball at the bottom of the shower and just sat under the water and cried. I cried because i felt disgusting. I cried for what i had just done. I cried because i hated myself, i hated what i had just seen, and heard, and smelt, and felt.

I cried because i would have to go do it again.

How I stopped escorting

2008-04-10T19:35:00.000-07:00

I began this blog to shed light on the realistic side of high end escorting, to give a brutally honest look past the money, and there are countless stories but im jumping ahead now to why and how i quit.

I don't know why- i just feel its worth sharing because alot of people ask me how i quit. Maybe someone else will believe they can too.

When i was at my working peak, near the end, I had given up everything and become consumed in the lifestyle. I had no concept of money. None. Reality was so distorted at that point, that looking back it seems surreal. I worked when I wanted. I bought whatever i wanted. I loved helping other people, if I saw a homeless person, i would give them a hundred. I would leave huge tips for waitresses who were young mothers, if my friends were struggling for money or needed anything, I was there. I miss that part.

But money was not real to me anymore. I didn't know what things cost, i never listened to totals or looked at prices. There was always money everywhere, it never ran out. I hated bills smaller than $20's, they were an annoyance to me. I cant believe it now looking back.

I don't write this to glamorize this in any way, I just want to try and give an idea of what it was like for me at the time i left.

So there i was. I had been working as an escort for just over a year. The year was so devastating, I had lost absolutely everything that ever mattered to me, and yet still I worked because I couldn't see a way out. There wasn't any way i could see to stop doing it.

You would think that after that year I would've been immune to any niceness, and I thought i was, but its amazing the changes that kindness can bring about i guess.
I had met a man as a sugardaddy arrangement. To me it was a different kind of work, alot less scary and easier as far as travel and safety. We had been seeing each other for a few months as a business relationship when we began to have more than business feelings for each other. When the relationship started to change i told him what i did for work. I figured once he knew he would be disgusted and stop seeing me and i would just go on about life.

But he didn't.

He asked what it would take for me to stop. I told him it wasn't possible, I needed the money. He offered to help me get a job.

I told him I couldn't work at a regular job, I had no skills, no resume, no business sense at all. He offered to train me.

I remember the amazement having these conversations with him. I couldn't figure out what he was doing. I would just stare at him and think "Didn't he hear me? Doesn't he understand what i am?"

I was so disgusted at myself that i couldn't understand this regular, non customer person not being repulsed by me.

I tried everything to figure out what his agenda was. Did he want more sex? I gave him more but he still wanted me to quit.
Did he just want me to quit so he wasn't dating an escort? No, he wanted me to quit for me, and even if we didn't date I could still have the normal job.

I remember one night i was just totally frustrated. I felt that he was just missing something. He was just not getting it, because if he knew, if he REALLY KNEW how bad of a person i was, how disgusting and broken and hopeless, he would leave me alone and let me continue on. I had exhausted myself trying to make him see what i saw in myself.

But he said;
" I think you are a diamond that careless people threw away out into the ocean. And you have sat there alone for so long that you are covered in seaweeds and muck. But underneath you are still a diamond, you just need help scraping it all off"

It was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me. Of course being as hardened as I was at the time i tried to think it was cheesy and corny and I joked about it, but inside, i felt hope again for the first time in forever. I felt like maybe - just maybe there could be some good left somewhere in me.

And so I quit. And no its not some fairy tale ending. I went back out once. My mind torments me still. I obsess about money, I am constantly afraid of running out of money again and having to go back. I have to fight not to believe that working as an escort was what i did, not who i am. I do not have to continue just because i crossed into the world. Its not a cliff i jumped off like my mind wants to believe, it was just a wrong and i can turn back.

Quitting is hard. I had help, and still i battle with the after effects. When i think i should just go pay off my debt and ease the worry he will send me stories of recent prostitutes that have been killed.
When i demand to go back to work so i can put money away for the kids, he reminds me the kids would rather have a mother alive than a college fund.
When i lost my job and declared " Ok, i tried, its over now i have to go back out there before I let us become homeless" He made me slow down, look for the other options. Try to find the right choices.

Its been a year now, and I still struggle with my decision to leave.

Its not always black or white. The lifestyle convinces you that there is no other way, and I'm not saying that there always is another way when you are desperate. Sometimes there is not. But there will be. I think that's important. I know why some women have to do this work, i know what it feels like to get caught up in it, but I also know it doesn't have to be forever.

I hate the way things are financially now, no shopping, no trips, and the kids miss out on alot, but we are making it and as long as we are managing i wont go back out there. As much as i would like to have the money again its not worth it. Im not an object anymore. Im not arm candy, im not a sex object, im not just a walking body anymore. Im kind of a person again. I miss the financial part- yes. I think i always will- but I can leave my children knowing i will come home to them again soon.

Im thankful to not be escorting anymore, and I dread the possibility of having to ever do it again.

In response to a comment

2008-04-08T16:22:00.000-07:00

To Anonymous:
I find it interesting that you started with the idea of a "guiltless fuck" I don’t think there is such a thing. Of course I think like a girl, and there’s a big difference in the way we view sex, but even so I think there would always be the chance you would look upon your encounter with regret. Either because you saw something on the industry and you felt for her at some level, or guilt having to tell a woman in the future if asked, there are many reasons.

Did my clients ever get me off?
That is such a guy question 
There were quite a lot of men that – as strange as it sounds, and was- would have me for company just to please me. I’m not sure why, but they said they got greater satisfaction out of pleasing me than themselves. I think they had a love for the female body. They didn’t want anything done to them, they just wanted to look, admire, massage, and well you kind of get the point. It was a weird but nice change of pace but as a girl it messes with your head a little. Here is this man paying crazy money to spend time with me, and yet only wants to please me. As a girl you could begin like the niceness, after all, not a lot of people attentive to you in that way, especially when your boyfriend at that time is a total ***&$.

That said, lol, under those circumstances it was possible. After all, the body reacts to things after a certain amount of time. Was it anything other than a response I couldn’t control?
No
It meant nothing, it was actually frustrating for me because I didn’t like doing it, but they loved it. Did I look forward to possibly getting off? Never.

The confusing part would be the relationships that weren’t so businesslike. In that world, it’s a cold game of emotions. Usually we win. But there were a very select few men that I didn’t hate having to see. Good looking, rich, full of gifts and compliments and attention. They would fly in to see me and spoil me like crazy, and so with one or two, I could get off if they knew what they were doing.

So how did I feel under those two different circumstances? Frustrated. I didn’t like it, it made me feel vulnerable, open, like somehow they cracked the wall into emotion I had put up.

I never saw underage girls out there, I never knew it was an issue. It sounds ridiculous knowing what I know now, but I had never seen or heard of it personally. If I had I would’ve stopped it somehow.

I find that a lot of talk on the internet is about this subject is jaded, or written by someone still hoping to meet a new client, and so of course it is written in a way that wouldn’t make him feel bad. I’m just honest, about my experiences and those i've witnessed, I have no gain or agenda.

Child support? It’s not an option. I spent more money fighting to get some then I will ever get. He has been sent to jail numerous times. No one wins, he won’t pay and the children lose their father and resent their mother. Raising them is a struggle I must do alone, and that’s fine. They’re worth it. What’s surreal is that he knows that I had to do this. He took me to court and fought to ban me from working. It’s strange to have the person who wont help with their own children tell you HOW you should manage to do it.
It’s crazy.

As I mentioned, I had my children early, in a very abusive relationship. I could delve into an endless abyss trying to explain my choices, but to summarize, I like every girl I know in this profession, came from a traumatic childhood. My parents not only didn’t love me, they didn’t like me. I was abused in every way. I left, feeling free, only to wind up with another abuser, and another. They got increasingly better as I learned, but it’s sad. Always searching for someone to just love me. Just stay. Someone that I wouldn’t have to worry about leaving, that would be there for longer than I expected. And I’ve never found it. And as much as I like to argue with my therapist, she doesn’t think the relationship I am in now is going to be either.
Sad? Yes, but at least I wont be as surprised when it happens, I’ve gotten used to people leaving.

Thanks for the advice, I don’t listen to peoples judgments. I’ve heard it all, and I spend enough time trying to fight my own negative thoughts, I don’t have the energy to worry about other people.

I think you should do an incall. But don’t make her service you. Let her sit down, I guarantee you she is tired or will be by the end of the night. Sit her down and tell her she matters, that even if no one in the world loves her, there’s hope that someday someone will. Tell her she deserves better, she deserves to feel safe, to choose who she shares herself with. Tell her that even if she has to do this now, she doesn’t have to do it forever, save up some money so she can get out. Tell her to forgive herself. She cant see it as getting any better, and truthfully I cant honestly say it will, but even just to hope can be a great feeling.

Here we go again...

2008-04-03T05:13:00.000-07:00

Senator's husband admits paying for sex is the newest headline.
Michigan senator Debbie Stabenow's husband was caught and admitted paying an escort for sex. They had been watching her room and confronted him after he left 15 minutes later, and he admitted to paying her for oral sex.
She was arrested of course-her money taken and computer confiscated.

And him?
Police did not bring any sex charges against Athans but later mailed him a ticket for driving with a suspended license.

What is this? What message are they trying to send?

Both guilty of an illegal act, he admits it, i wonder if she even admitted guilt- and he gets off ( no pun intended) and she goes to jail.
Think about it- she is doing this for whatever personal reasons she has, but I can promise you it is not her happily chosen profession.
He on the other hand is simply wanting to gratify himself
And only she gets arrested?

If you have any opinions as to why this seems to be the norm, please let me know, because i just dont get it.

What they dont tell you

2008-03-26T13:56:00.001-07:00

As I have said before, the Spitzer/Ashley coverage prompted me to write this blog, mainly because all we were being told was how much money she was paid that day, how much Spitzer had paid the agency overall, and of course the million dollar offers now for Ashley to pose in various magazines.
Our teens are watching this
What teen girl or struggling single mother is not going to see that, and at least consider it tempting compared to a minimum wage job?

So here is what you are not hearing about-
This job is incredibly dangerous.
Think about it-being alone and at some point probably naked with a complete stranger. He could easily kill you- prostitutes are among the leading homicides. Why? Because men who want to harm you know that there are not alot of people you tell where you are going to work, you cant call the police for help, and i hate to admit it but you are weaker by far as a woman. Whatever safety nets you have in place mean nothing when you are being choked, stabbed, or worse. What are your options then?

I had a friend who went on a call through the agency. She had a driver with her. It was a two hour call. As soon as they were alone she was handcuffed to a pole in the room, raped, sodomized, and beaten. This lasted a little over two hours until her driver came to check and see why she wasn't out yet. Imagine if she had no driver. Imagine the two hours she endured.

I later found out a customer who robbed me was wanted in four states for robbing, beating, and raping at gunpoint countless escorts.
I might have died that night. I lied and said i had a driver with me.

I have had to run out of a hotel naked because the customer took my clothes and demanded something i would not do. The agency was on the phone with him, but they were 10 states away. Yes, my driver was notified and on his way up, did it matter? Not to this man.

The men will call you filthy names, talk to you like they are trying to mimic the nastiest porno they have ever seen, it is not always nice gentlemen wanting company.And although you block it out and don't accept what they say, the words will echo in your head long after you leave.

There are rough guys. It hurts physically, and you have to clench your teeth and think about something else and get through it. I remember one night after an especially rough date, i was upset, and to be blunt, bleeding. I told the agency I needed to go home.
Their answer? No.

Another thing they don't tell you on tv, condoms break.
They slip off.
There are the "difficult" guys like Spizer who want it unsafe. Think about the position you would be in, i wont be graphic. What would you do if suddenly the protection was removed?

Drugs- I met alot of men who openly used drugs. I do not. Not only do you have to try to maintain a safe environment with someone who is on drugs, but think of the possibilities here; He drugs you
He overdoses while you are there
The police happen to bust in while you are there- now you face drug charges as well

Lets not forget the police. You never know what may be a set up. Yes, there are sites with clues to look for, but you never really know if the man you are about to see is law enforcement about to arrest you or just another guy. You have to worry about getting arrested on every call.

On Every date- you risk being killed, beaten, arrested, kidnapped, drugged or given a disease. Is the money worth the risk?

I will continue to post stories like these, because this is what really goes on out there.

I cant name one real life pretty woman-or one that retired nicely off of her income- but i could write a never ending list of murdered prostitutes, traded women, the beaten, drugged, raped or ones who commit suicide because they were poisoned by the lifestyle.