I can't believe how long it's been, but I am back. And I sincerely apologize for not keeping up with the emails and comments. The holidays are so hard for me, that if I could I would go into hiding from Nov-Jan just to avoid them.
But they are over now. I've made it through another years holidays and managed to give the children some sense of normalcy. When they are grown, I will start a club for skipping the holidays for those of us in the same boat.
So what's new with me? I am in the same spot as the last time I blogged I believe. I still have a part of me that wants to go back to escorting. Especially when the repo man came the day before christmas eve, and the bill collectors call constantly. I managed to keep the car ( the first big thing I purchased when I started escorting after my bills were almost gone- which I LOVE) So I am thankful for that.
I still sit around thinking of ways to exploit myself for money. I make up all these things to do without escorting, but still somehow using my looks or sexuality or openness around men to make more money. Im convinced it will never go away. To clarify what I mean, I never would think of just starting a bakery- I would imagine a topless bakery, or a sexy clothed bakery, always along that line. I guess it is hard to imagine being successful without the added sexuality.
I have been watching the escort websites, I dont know why, but I have been, and I am saddened by the increase of women on there. I know the economy is terrible, I just still wish there was a better way. I don't judge them, I just feel for them having to make that choice. I realize how lucky I was when I started to have a professional showing me the way, and it terrifies me to think of someone going out there who doesnt know what to do to keep herself safe.
I cringe when I see the ad that says newbie- or new girl- because they dont realize they are targeting themselves to the dangerous men that look for that kind of ad, the men who prey on the vulnerable.
I have begun to start a business, a legitamate one- which involves me going into peoples houses. And at first I was very excited- it was a unique, great idea and fun. But then the men started in, and i got countless emails asking what can i do while you are there- can i do this, that- do you offer any other services? And it just made me so mad. I didnt realize that even a legitimate business would invoke such a response. Men are pigs. And not only did it anger me because they asked for something sexual in a nonsexual business, but i was also angry at myself because I was tempted. Angry at them for wanting to exploit me, and myself for considering the money. It is one thing to be in the business and expect it, another to get gawked at in public and know thats just how it is, but to try and be legit and do good and still be approached for that pissed me off.
I am also still frustrated with my relationship. It has almost been two years and he is still married, and the last time I opened up to him and told him how it feels to be, well a mistress, it didnt do any good. He says it may take another year, he doesnt know. And I am tired of waiting. Im tired of feeling badly when I did no wrong in this relationship, and I feel like I am either being played, or settling for second best, and neither feels good. I have decided to leave in the summer if he is still married. He doesnt know, and I see no good in telling him, I believe it would just make it harder for me in the meantime. If his intention was to divorce to keep me it wouldve been done by now. When (if) I settle down, it will be because a man adores me, marries me, and makes me feel like a princess. This just being good enough to be a trophy girlfriend sucks. It is similiar to escorting, I am wanted because I am attractive and sexual, but I am not the one he wants to marry and keep. He always says he wants me to be his girlfriend forever, and I bite my tounge, because in reality thats a pretty mean thing to say.
Thats all for now, I missed writing and will continue, because I love hearing from everyone as well.
Happy holidays and new year- and for those more like me- thank god its over!
Posts
Dec 17, words and remembrance
5 days ago
9 comments:
We missed you writing as well, or at least I did.
I'm also glad the holiday season is over, and wish you the best.
About what you said on the increase of girls out there, that's actually really interesting. I wonder if there is any studies or organizations following this, and that could report the tides of this business to see if there's a significant link with the global economy (I guess there is, like you, but I don't know to which extent, what classes are more vulnerable to this, which areas, and so on...).
Okay that's a not-so-funny study and I wouldn't like to be the one doing it, but I was genuinely wondering when I read your post.
cheers.
I have just found this blog and the only thing I can say is thank you. I'm struggling with money and escorting seems like the only way out but reading your blog made me think more about it. I was abused as a child and always seen sex as something I can detatch myself from. I cannot thank you enough for writting this blog. I know I could make enough money to solve all my money worries but I also know it would put a massive strain on my relationship. Even though I'm working 45 hours a week at least I can tell people what I do for a living. You are such a strong person and I wish you all the best. Thank you
Samantha
Why do you do this to yourself? You have inherited something very precious & powerful from countless generations of unimaginable bloodshed, self sacrifice & suffering of our forefathers its called democracy the power of individual choice!! Do not give us these self-pitying excuses, JUST DO IT!! YOU HAVE THE POWER & it is a very special gift!! Get an 8-5 job and pay your taxes like the rest of us. Goes for the rest of you working girls out there!! Stop using clients as a crutch for your whinging...said my piece. Thank you
Funny, this is the second post I read and right in the middle when you were talking about other ways to get money, I thought well,why not find ONE man and be a Mistress, let him pay for all your stuff. Safe and practical. Turns out you are a mistress, just aren't getting compensated properly. That's just wrong. :)
What do they know? SOme people need to stop living inside their tiny box and stop criticizing, escorting is almost like taking drugs, once you allow yourself to do it, it remains with you, it's at the back of your mind that if need be, if all else fails you have that out of desperation. It's like you always tell yourself it's only temporary until you get on your feet. Or until something better comes along---a better opportunity... youre just smart to not take drugs Amber. I made the mistake of slipping a few times and let down the bars. Drugs age u--
Lincoln once said, "People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." The past is the past, it cannot be changed. The only thing you can do is to let it go. I learned that happiness is something that must be sought. Once I learned that, I discovered that it was not easy to find, and that when I found something that made me happy I'd better keep it. At first, all I could do was just get rid of the things that made me unhappy. Escorting may relieve some temporary financial troubles, but in the long run it makes you unhappy. Leave it in the past.
Hi. I am 27 year old graduate student. Recently, I've met a girl through escort. I've seen her total of 4 times since December of 2008. From the small conversation we had, she seemed to be a very nice and smart girl. The 4th time I saw her, we talked the entire hour and no physical activities. I told her that I want to stop calling the service because I started to like her. I found out that she's working as an escort because both of her parents are not healthy, and they also have debt to pay off. She asked me if I am willing to wait for her until she's done with this business. She also asked me if I will use her work, as an escort, against her if we are together and have an argument. She also told me that she likes and want to know me better. From the questions she asked, and some things she told me about her, I feel that she is genuine. I am willing to trust what she said, but there are still some questions that I would like to be answered. Would you, as an escort, toying your client's mind and emotion? Because of the questions she asked, and her parents' situation, I feel that is a lot of work to go through to mess with my emotion and my mind. It will be great if you can give your honest opinion. Thank you very much!
Business didn't go well during the last holiday, but I get through it.
"Turns out you are a mistress, just aren't getting compensated properly. That's just wrong. :)"
Yeah, that's what I've been thinking. It's the same old story... client gets you to quit so he can have you on tap for freebies any time he wants. He should be paying. If not you, then someone else. What are you getting from him in return? You are broke and struggling. He forbids you to escort. But he is not interested in paying you, or in being your life partner. But he's happy to take up room in your life so you can't find one. He does not have your best interests at heart. Just his own. It's a pretty sweet deal for him. He doesn't seem like much of a man to me, and you deserve a good man who loves you and wants to marry you and will always have your back and care for and protect you and your kids. I'm not saying you can't find your own meaningful work if you want to, but a real man wants to take care of the woman he loves, and her children, too, and that means marrying her and the responsibility and commitment that implies. But with no responsibility or commitment, he's just got you in a veal pen. That's how client relationships always end up. You deserve better, Amber. Live and learn and move on.
(If you're really set on the guy, then just ignore me, and I wish you both well, but I had to say it...)
If you go back to escorting, hold your head up and stay safe. Don't feel bad or like you're letting anybody, including yourself and your children, down. Stabilize yourself financially, and then save, save, save so you have a cushion for when you quit again. Don't think of going back as a failure, think of it as you are learning how to quit: you're trying things, some that work and some that don't, and you will sooner or later find what works. You're learning, and you'll find your way to the life you want. These are all steps along the path.
If you don't go back, that's great, too. There are ways to survive, and get by, while you figure out how to earn a decent living at something that doesn't suck the soul out of you. It will be a struggle, but with some time away from sex work (paid and unpaid), your head and heart will heal.
As far as finding a life partner, I think it takes some real time away from sex work before the (few) really good men out there will show upon your radar. You talk about the "vibe" that others pick up on... that will clear away with time, and I think there is also a "fog" through which we see people that also makes it hard to plug in to normal life, and have genuine relationships with suitable men.
Anyway, sorry again to see the blog close. Your total honesty has been really great, and inspiring.
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