Ah- the diary of an escort, now that would've been an interesting blog had I written while I was working, but since it is now, it'll probably bore the hell out of you, but it helps me, so here goes....
I'm leaving my boyfriend, and the state, and probably the last of my sanity behind. It is not something I truly want to do, but rather a need. I want to stay here, with the person I love, in my house, with my food and lights and safety. But I cant. I need to do so many things, that staying here wont allow me to do.
Despite others telling me (and telling me...lol) that i should leave, it never really sinks in until we each make our own choices. And so I have.
What prompted the decision? I wish i had something bigger and better to give you, and myself, but just as our relationship always was, it was a gentle, melancholy coming. I had threatened for months, hinted for a year. He needed to get divorced. Two and a half years later he still is not. Its not so much the piece of paper signed, its everything that goes along with it. Its the example I am setting for my kids living with a married man. It is the hurt that pierces me when i hear the word wife. But more than anything it is his response to the divorce proceedings themselves. Hesitant, timid, less than excited. His metaphor's toward it always seem pained, like he is attempting to do something he dreads, and it kills me every time i try to talk to him, so eventually i stopped. I yearned to see some excitement towards our relationship, some glimmer in his eye that he was happy we could finally just be us. But there was none. His response was a crappy explanation and for my disappointment to his attitude was "You didn't expect me to buy you a ring did you?"
No I guess I didn't, but I certainly didn't need the kick in the stomach either.
And that's how it was. Always me wanting more, needing more, some sign of true love and foreverness that I see in others. But I couldn't see it because it wasn't there. And I settled. I said I never would but i settled for a man who just loved me. Not loved everything about me, not loved my kids, or our family, not loved the idea of growing old and living life together. Just love. And I know now what it means to say love isnt enough. Brothers and sisters and cousins love each other, but settling for less than passion and commitment and well, everything- is unfair.
It came down to one question. The million thoughts had raced through my head everyday- the doubting, the hurt, the anger, and I did nothing but sit here and love him anyway. But one day during another regular uncomfortable "talk" He asked if despite our different lives if we could work it out, and the answer hit me. No.
No we couldn't work it out.
And that was it. Years of life gone in an instant. Lessons and regrets flooded in, and I knew it was over. It devastated me, burst my protective bubble that I was in, and spiraled me into a frantic pleading with god to help me figure out the hows and whens. Poor cant make it work with rich. Single cant make it work with married. Adventurer can make it work with homebody. Wanting more cant make it work with wanting less. We were two different people coming together at night for sex. I did all the housework. I took care of the kids. I vacationed alone. I was single, but with a live in lover. I wanted marriage, he was married. He is the most amazing man, but only when its just us in a room, and i hated that. I wanted so much to share him as a family, with friends, and the world, but it isn't what he wanted. Its so strange how we can justify and explain away all the wrongs when we want to, and then how clear they become in an instant.
So I am on my way. Not bravely or confidently. I feel like a little kid again starting all over. I know I will end up in some form of adult business, and it terrifies me. I'm not thinking I want to go back to escorting- but rather doing the math on rents and utilities and hourly pay times two jobs, and I know the odds are against me. That's just how it is. Some women marry rich men and never have to worry again, and some like me have to figure it out for ourselves.
I know my heart will be broken, and to give up on the dreams i had for us will be hard, but i also know it is for the best. I wont cringe when i hear the word wife anymore. I wont hurt when i am out with the kids because he isn't there. I wont miss him on vacations, wishing he was with us. I wont have to see the look on his face when we talked about divorce, or marriage. I wont cry alone anymore wondering why i am not good enough despite my best efforts.
And him? He went out as soon as it sank in. He went fishing, he mowed the yard. He went outside on a weekend. And it made me smile to see him almost happy, relieved in a way to be free of the burden of me :). He will miss me he says, in a gentle, loving, melancholy way that was us. No crying or pleading to stay, but I didnt expect him to. A year ago I wouldve imagined him devasted, crying, proposing, anything to make us stay together, and ill admit maybe it was more fun in my fantasy relationship than in the real one, but that time has passed. Now I know that he will be fine without me, and thats ok. Somewhere the is a man who wouldnt be, and when the time is right he will find me.
I wont date for a long time. I need to heal me now, but I take away a very good understanding of what i want for the next time. I don't want a lover, i want a husband, and companion, and friend. Someone who wants to be with me just as badly as I do him, isn't that what its all about?
Until then, I will date for money, just as the guys date for sex. If we are all just using each other down this road to true love then so be it. At least now I know the rules a little better :)
Best of luck to everyone, and again- sorry to repeat but I still get so many emails- I don't/cant answer emails due to privacy concerns. I am more than happy to answer your questions or offer advice if you post it here as a comment.
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